Given half a chance

Chapter 5

She is sitting on my chair at the far end of the room , as far away from me as possible. Saying nothing . Revealed nothing. That's Anna. Always against the give and take policy.

She never stops granting you help without getting rewarded and she never stops taking from you without giving anything in return. Like now .

She is assessing me . Everything that I am feeling and going through. But in return she is giving me nothing .

" Why are you still here ?" I like staring in her eyes. It makes me feel warm . So I just keep staring in her brown eyes. Anna never backs down from a staring contest. But that's the thing . It's not a staring contest. Does she know how much warmth and pleasure I am seeking from her brown eyes now ?

" I can ask the same question to you ." Her face is solemn . But the glass wall around her eyes are cracking . Very slowly. But it's cracking .

" You can't. It's my office. " She raises her brows at me . " I work in this office too Sebastian. It's my office too."

I like the way she said it. It's her office too. Internally , those four words make me smile . But I resist the smile from infecting my lips.

" Since when you developed this habit of drinking. " She asks gesturing towards the cans under the table . It's my second can this evening. Once this ends , I have four more to keep my company.

" My friendship with this " I raise the can in my hand at her " is far more old than with yours. And unlike you , it will never abandon me. "

She gulps . Then exhales sharply " Do you drink regularly now ?" Yes , I do . But that truth will not make Anna happy. I don't want an unhappy Anna. Though , she already looks angry and upset.

" Sometimes. " A half lie. I look away from her , down at my feet. Dirty , nasty feet. It reminds me , tomorrow I have to positively take a nice long bath.

She stands up from the chair elegantly and kicks her heels away. Her action brings my eyes to her legs .

And I want to hide my feet from her. Her feet looks soft and delicate . Her toenails painted a bright red. It's look cutely elegant. Her legs stop right beside me. My eyes travel up her body to meet her eyes.

She sits down beside me. Her knees pressed to the floor. She picks up the packet of cigarettes laying near my feet and flip open the pack .

" Do you smoke ?" I stare at her intensely with curiosity as she inspects the few missing cigarettes from the pack.

" No. You ?" I don't know how I feel about her answer. The Anna I know , sorry knew . The Anna I knew never smoked and never will. It makes me happy that , that thing hasn't change.

" Sometimes. " I say truthfully. My affection towards smoking is far less than drinking .

But there is a noticeable disappointment budding in me. The small hope I had to share a cigarette with her , to share a few drags , that's never going to happen . Not today at least. Not now.

I try to grab the pack of cigarettes from her so that I can lit myself one. She guessed it. She quickly switches hand and places the packet beside her , right next to the wall , putting the pack beyond my reach and using her body as a shield to protect the pack from me.

I laugh. As if it's not me that needs protection from these things . " What are you doing ?"

She doesn't answer . She's busy eyeing the can of beer in my hand. I ... No. Before she can grab it from my hand , I switch the can from my right to left hand , away from her .

She leans back against the wall , pouting unconsciously. I chuckle at her frail attempt. My eyes roam all over her face . Her perfect brows , her deep brown eyes , her small pointed nose , her now somewhat flat cheeks .

" What happened to your chubby cheeks ?" I ask .

She touches her left cheek with her finger tips and frowns " Aren't they chubby anymore ?"

" Not as much as they used to ." I point out .

She looks at me. " Is that good or bad ?" I shrug , not knowing it's good or bad. It's just different . Neither good and definitely not bad. True , I would do anything to have her chubby cheeks back. But this somewhat less chubby cheek look suits the Anna I saw today. It makes her look like she belongs in this corporate world and not in a small town high school. " It's you now. " And I've to accept it.

" I used to think you don't like my chubby cheeks. I still believe that actually. " She says timidly.

" Why would you think that ?" I have never even said anything to her about it before. I am so sure about that.

She just laughs and shakes a head . She leans towards me and goes straight for the can , but it's beyond her reach . So leans back and I laugh loudly ." Will you stop doing that ? I don't even know why you are after my innocent beer can. "

" Going back to three years ago. Are we ?" She says , sprawling her legs in front of her and crossing them at the ankles. She place her head against my shoulder and we remain like that for several seconds. Probably more than a minute.

" I returned to Cantonville thinking I'll see you and Catherine probably engaged or making preparations of your marriage. " She sighs quietly.

Marriage. Me and Catherine ? She never really had the plans to marry me. Why will she plan to marry an unwanted child of a dieing man whose company is at the verge of bankruptcy ? I don't blame her for not wanting to marry me. Hell ! Even I won't marry myself .

" She said I deserve it all . " Anna nudges my shoulder with her head . That gives me an absurd sense of relief. She's there. At least for now she's with me. Like before.

" The day we saw each other for the last time , She told me I deserve everything I got. I deserve to be left alone . My father never wanted me. I deserve that. You left. I deserve that . She told me , you left because of me. "

Her hand slips into mine as she entwined our fingers together and hold my hand tightly. I hold on to her hand like it's the only thing that's keeping me breathing right now .

" She said my mother died because I deserve it. A woman died because she gave birth to me . Because her son deserves mother. She died because of me. Not because she deserves to die but because ...." I go on feverishly , losing the touch to reality for a moment. Forgetting where am I and who am I with temporarily. Until Anna cuts me with a sob .

" Sebastian " Anna cries . I blink .

" She didn't mean it Sebastian. She was angry probably and so she had said those words to hurt you. " She reasons . Her voice is cracked. She's crying. That's too because of me.

I turn my head to look at her . She's looking at me sympathetically. Anna sympathizes with me. I should hate it. This sympathy . This pity. But the way her eyes are watering up raw pain , like she can feel my pain . It makes me feel good .

Anna's sympathy is different. It makes me feel good.

" Why are you crying ?" I chase her tears with my fingertips . She closes her eyes. The feel of her soft flesh against my rough fingertips feels good too. Almost addictively good.

I force my hands to leave her cheeks. But my eyes deny to look away. She opens her eyes at the absence of my touch and our meet and I melt .

" Let me take you home ." She says slowly, cautiously . I exhales audibly "I don't want to go home. " I want to stay here with Anna. Only she and me .

But apparently Anna has other plans. She starts to pull herself from me and stands up. " What do you mean you don't want to go home ? Get up now and put your jacket on. We are first dropping you home and then I'll go home. "

She starts to slip into her shoes . " Why are you still on the floor ? Get up Sebastian !" She scolds me in a sharp strict voice. I suppress my chuckle with a sigh and lazily pull myself up .