Three Words, I Love You ✔️

38: I feel like it's my fault

|38: I feel like it's my fault|

"No," are the first words to leave my mouth, and I immediately want to smack myself.

Nemo doesn't register my words right away and he turns, walking away. Just as he makes it to the cafeteria doors, he stops abruptly and spins around, his face full of surprise and confusion. As he hurriedly walks back towards me, he blurts out a quick, "What?"

I swallow nervously, rubbing my arms while cowering down as he gets closer. Glancing down, I nibble my lip, "Sorry... I... I meant... yes... yes we can... talk,"

I feel sick. Not like a stuffy nose and sore throat... like a nauseating feeling. The feeling that feels like an evil case of the butterflies... but y'know... they aren't the good ones. Their wings are dark and heavy, they aren't fluttering anymore. My heart is thundering its way into my tight throat, making it harder to swallow... the fast and hard beats compete with the trembling of my entire body.   

I'm scared.

Is this finally the end? Is this where the butterflies stop fluttering their wings... where the bubbly feelings become flat? Has my source of happiness finally reached an expiration date? This all feels worse when it's sudden... maybe Nemo finally flipped a switch and realized he doesn't need me anymore. 

Just like the others... he's finally leaving for good... isn't he? 

Or maybe I'm overthinking but... I can't use that as an excuse for everything.

I suck in a sharp breath at the thoughts. It's sad that that's the first thing to come to my mind. After all the things I've been through though... it's not a stretch of what could happen.

There's an urge inside of me to cry... but nothing comes out. No tears form, they don't roll down. I think... I think I've used up all my tears crying over those who have left me in the past. It was only a matter of time... right? Surely I should've known. 

Nemo frowns and narrows his eyes, his face hardening. He watches my slouched body, his eyes roaming my body like he's scanning me. My tired and detached gaze meets his, tired and just wanting to hear him say the words to get it over with. 

The faster it gets said, the less pain I have to deal with. Treat it like the band-aid thing... when they tell you to just rip it off as fast as you can.

With a sigh, Nemo tilts his head,  "Hey Adaline...?"

I only hum as I'm afraid to speak. My voice would give everything away, if my body language hasn't already.

Nemo gently reaches out and wraps his hand around my wrist, pulling it away from my arm and easily interwinding our fingers. His touch sends a warmth into my cold, numb body. 

"Whatever bad thing you think is going to happen, I promise that it's not..." he says, noticing my frown and smiling gently, "I'm not leaving you, if that's what you're worried about. I'm not mad at you, I'm not upset with you,"

Though my heart continues to pound and my mind is clouded with a foggy darkness, I relax my tense body, letting my hand melt into his. 

... So I was overthinking. Gah... classic Adaline. I couldn't help it!

"... I guess I can't help but think that... I'm sorry..." I mutter softly with scrunched eyebrows, then shaking my head, "How'd you know?"

"I think I know you well enough to know what you're thinking," he says quietly, "Which I'm now deeming you a crazy dork for even thinking that,"

I laugh softly, slowing feeling myself relax even more, "It doesn't... help that you were kinda distant this morning... it was automatic for me to think that..."