Not Without You. (Ethan x Reader)

12 - When do I Get to Feel Right?

⚠️!Warning!⚠️
Sensitive content, including anorexia, suicidal thoughts, self-harm behaviors, and death will be featured in this chapter.
You have been warned.

I sat on my mattress, filth surrounding me. It has been 2 days since Joey passed, and my dad was in intensive care after suffering from a heart attack when we found out. Joey passed the night after I went into the hospital for my assault. My stomach begged for food, but I felt too sick to eat anything. Anytime I ate, I'd feel even worse, and stick my fingers down my throat. My legs hurt, and my hands have been used to slit my wrists and top of my breasts.

I loved the way of how I would go so deep, that it wouldn't even bleed, so I could see the white and pink marbled fat in my breasts and arms. Then it would begin to bleed down my arms or chest. I loved how I would feel extra pain in the shower from the stinging of the hot water hitting my open scars. I was too focused on my own problems, I didnt even begin to think if Joey was okay. I was selfish. I was so self centered that I only thought of myself. At that point, I should've known.

His funeral is a few days from now. People come everyday, come visit me, come to comfort me. Some of the parents of kids that were in the bus offered their condolences, saying "he was a hero, and if it weren't for him, more lives would've been lost that day." No one else but him and his bus driver died, a few broken bones, a few walked out with only scratches, but one kid that was also in the front, right behind him, became paralyzed from the waist down. Even her parents came to our home, thanking us. It wasn't us they should be thanking, it was Joey. They said she told them he pushed her away when he saw she was right behind him and they were going to the building.

I dont let anyone in my room, though. I get dressed in one of my dads long sleeved shirts, and go down to meet with them. No one dares to ask why the long sleeves. It must be obvious. I was assaulted at school, my half brother died, and my father suffered from a heart attack. They say he'll be fine, but Cori was too dumb to hide the papers. My dad is in stage 4 cancer. Hes dying. If not from the heart attack, the cancer. I know if my dad dies, I'm staying with my mom and Mark down in Ohio. When that happens I'll have to say goodbye to everyone here. Cori wouldn't welcome me back even for a few days to visit.

In fact, through the entirety of my reflecting, she had been yelling at me through the door way of my room. Insulting the filth I was surrounded by, my new, skinnier, and dirtier physical appearance, the cuts on my arm, and telling me she wants to kick me out. All the while, her boyfriend was behind her, watching it. When I glanced towards him, I saw that he had a disgusted look in his eyes hidden behind worry. Hes been staying with us ever since my dad left for the hospital, and all they have been doing is fighting, and having sex.

He was kind enough, he said he wouldn't be here if he wasnt afraid for Cori's safety. He brought me warm food two times a day. He'd wake me up at 1 PM and give me a bowl of cereal or buttered piece of toast. At night he'd bring me up some leftovers of what they had for dinner. He knew I didnt like him being there, taking my dads place, in my dads bed, but he tried to make me as comfortable as possible, so I have to give him that.

I didnt listen to anymore that she had to say. I grabbed my phone and slid a blade inside my phone case, shoved her out of my doorway, and began making my way to my dads room. She yelled, telling me to get out of her room. I wanted to kill her, but I'd already lost too much of my family. I went into my dads dresser and pulled out a short sleeved shirt. I went back to my room, keep in mind, Cori is still yelling at me, and I grabbed a pair of shorts and underwear. I went into my bathroom and hopped in the shower after taking off my clothes and bandages.

Something feels wrong.

I felt my eyes tear up, and I washed my body with Joey's old body wash like I have been for the past few days, to remember him.