This Thing Upon Me [Order The eBook] [Harry Styles]

Chapter 41

Over time I learned that he sometimes got that way about girls, as if his ability to conquer them was the only thing holding his delicate ego intact. Whenever he was rejected, which happened rarely, it was the lousiest I ever saw him. Even if I or any of the boys rejected choosing him in a hypothetical dating scenario, he got so butthurt and quiet you could tell he felt deeply unspecial.

Brooding and self-pity followed in the wake of a rejection for most, but for him it was tenfold— that is, until he found another who suited his fancy and he started the cycle all over again. In many ways, he and I were alike when it came to chasing girls, which is why we always ended up hanging out together and making sure our dates brought along friends when he and I couldn't hook-up anymore. 

Seeing him in action ultimately made me feel set-aside and irrelevant, but pretending to be his wingman was the only consolation I could find in letting him go. At least this way I was still involved with getting him laid on some level (always working to ingratiate myself with him, no matter how pathetic it made me look.)

In any case, I still couldn't understand what attracted him to Perrie in particular. She looked nothing like Stephanie, who dumped after a few months and left him heartbroken for several weeks. When Perrie came along, she proved to be the perfect solution to repair the damage Steph had inflicted on his self-esteem, and was all he could talk about when the cameras were shut off. Part of me was jealous that he had looked elsewhere for a distraction instead of returning to me, and the other part of me was pissed he wasn't as upset over losing me as he was with Stephanie. Either way, I kept my distance and kept quiet on the matter, since he seemed so far past us already.

The other boys teased him about his hang-up over Perrie, so I figured I needed to join in occasionally to save face, although it made my stomach turn to pretend to be supportive about "Zerrie". As weeks turned to months and the tour began in December, we became very distant. I tried to devote myself to Caroline, and when that didn't work out, I found myself alone again at the beginning of 2012 when we split on a mutual understanding. She and I wanted different things. She said I wasn't emotionally mature enough to handle her heart, and to be honest, I was simply too preoccupied with how conflicted I felt over Zayn to give her the attention she both needed and deserved.

Z and I continued to drift closer as friends and then suddenly become strangers again, in a sickening cycle that gave me whiplash and left me unsure of how to feel about his character. Why couldn't we just be one thing and have it make sense? I couldn't figure him out anymore, and over time, the memory of his touch escaped me entirely. It was as if we'd never done anything in the dark. Like he'd never sucked my nipples and stuck his tongue in my ass and told me he loved me. Like it had been some fevered and prolonged hallucination. Day by day, he seemed perfectly unbothered by the unhealthy back and forth, as though his feelings for me were a switch he could flick off and on with ease. 

The more the rumors of Perrie circulated, the more irritated I became, resolving to give him a taste of his own medicine. I wanted to take control. I wanted to make him crazy for me, so I began to ignore him onstage, dedicating my attention to Lou and Niall, and even on occasion Liam.

I also talked to as many girls as I could find, but it had the opposite effect. He tended to encourage me in the realm of hooking up with random 'birds' (as he called them) and was oblivious to the fact that I wanted to make him jealous. When I became desperate to get a reaction, I did little things to piss him off (needing to know he still felt anything for me) and it was then that I discovered his detestation for Larry Stylinson, That was the ship name given to mine and Lou's "bromance" since we appeared to be the closest out of the band, and the fans tended to think that since we flatted together, we were domesticated and in love.