Forget me | Yenyul

XXXIX: Depression II

"But I didnt call you" How can she know where I am. She has never been here nor have I told her about this place. Did Minju or Eunbi unnie tell her? She ... she cant be here. Why?

"I came here because I missed you and that I love you"

"You're lying. This is a dream isnt it?" She moved closer to me. "What? What do you mean? Look at me Yuri, i'm here, Right in front of you. I came back"

"Yena unnie would never say that after being away for so long. You're not her" she bit her lip for a bit then held me by the shoulder. "Yuri, look at me. I'm here"

"NO YOU'RE NOT"

I sat up from my bed as I looked around my room. It was empty. The only person here is ... me. I was right, it was just a dream. A horrible nightmare! It didnt even get Yena unnie right. She would never hold me on the shoulder. She'll hold my cheeks and make me look at her, that's the real her.

"YENA UNNIE!?" Of course no one answered, no one really answers me anyways. "Can you listen to me for a bit?" It felt a bit weird talking to the ceiling so I looked for Duckie inside my bag.

"Duckie, could you listen to me for a bit? You dont have to answer just listening would be more than enough" I knew that the stuffed toy wouldnt reply but I just want to let it out for a bit.

"It's been hard for me these days. I lived most of my years without you but why cant I accept the fact that you really left me. I asked for this, this is what I want ... to Forget you and just continue with life. But why cant I do that? Why do I still want you back in my life?

There's this heavy feeling in my chest and it makes it hard for me to rest or even think straight. When you left it felt like you brought a piece of me with you.

Without that piece, i'm slowly falling apart. I love you unnie, I really do. But sometimes I dont know ... I just wanna die.

Rather than feeling all this emotional pain, I think it'd be better if I was dead. Should I just kill myself now? Or should I wait for you? Someone tell me 'cause I really have no clue.

I'm scared to believe that this is my reality. I'm scared to know that i'm falling apart just because you left. What should I do?" I hugged Duckie as I just let my tears fall.

I layed in bed and stared at the ceiling. Yena unnie ... are you also in bed thinking of what to do? It's been so long that it's become tiring for me. But why cant I let go of you.

I ended up sleeping again. I woke up and checked the time, It was midnight. I went to the living room and as usual no one was there. I sat in front of the TV and just stared at it. Or might I say my reflection.

Look at you, you've been sleeping all day yet you look so tired. The fatigue wont leave even if you rest all day. You should just ... breathe.

That's right ... breathe. It's the only thing you can do. When things are hard to control, all you can do is breathe. And just wait for things to get better.

Cant I do something?

Once you choose to do something you can never stop. Things might feel like an addiction rather than therapy.  So just breathe, it's the safest thing to do.

In and out, slowly, and normal. Dont think of anything and just focus on breathing. It'll help you feel alive and dead at the same time.

Dead? Am I still not dead yet?

Breathe.

I'm hyperventilating!?!

Just slowly breathe. You're alive and i'm sure of it.

You're just inside my head! Were literally the same person, How could you be so sure!?

We should check. Right? Yes I think we should ...

No dont check, you'll be hurt again. Breathe slowly.

I'll just quickly check. It wont hurt me.

I went to the kitchen and did the same sin that i've done since a few days ago.

See ... I told you it doesnt hurt. I'm dead.

You're numb. It hurts but you refuse to feel it.

When were you the good guy? You told me to do it.

That was before, right now you have to breathe.

I stopped hyperventilating as I gave a good look at my fresh cuts. Why doesnt it hurt anymore? It stings a bit at first but it doesnt hurt.

Why cant I feel anything anymore? Is this a side-effect of you leaving me?