My Journal And Problems

I need to be Comforted. Please help!!!

So...a mental breakdown again. I mean, I don't understand why I get a mental breakdown when everything was going right today. My morning was good, afternoon was good but suddenly I started feeling a bit heavy hearted in the evening. I shook it off. I was peacefully doing my important work ........ but now, at night, I just suddenly had a mental breakdown again.Lying in my bed and drenching the pillow with my tears. Reason – I feel so left out.😔

I don't know how can I be so stupid to feel suicidal because of the people who don't even give a damn about me. I try, I try to make friends but then why? Why they leave me, why they all forget me. Like I don't even exist.

Everyone can live without me, then Why Can't I live without everyone. I hate being soft hearted, because I get attached to everyone and I can't detach myself but everyone's not the same.

It's not their fault, the fault us mine. There must be something wrong with me. Maybe, I am lame and clingy person.

I wish, If my behaviour was like everyone, I wish, I knew how to move on, I wish my common sense worked like everyone. I wish I was emotionless. I wish I was more courageous. I wish I was strong. I wish I was determined, I wish I focused.

But all wishes don't come true. I try to make friends, I am loyal to them...I care a lot for them and expect the same but..... My fucking expectations.
No one's cares about me.

So I just decided I will never ever make friends again. I will never interact with anyone , I will never draw the hand of friendship towards anyone, I will never make the first step. No matter how much I crave for a companion.

And even If I will feel myself getting connected to someone, I will push myself away. So that, I don't get close to them. I want friend. I feel very lonely....very lonely

I was actually thinking about leaving all social platforms to isolate myself , but I found out . I can't. I am addicted to them but still I am just scared, to get hurt again.

I just imagine. Thats what I can do. I imagine myself helping someone, I imagine myself with lots of friends, I imagine myself with fictional characters and people I like. I imagine funny moments, stand up comedy or myself being perfect because that's what I can do. I imagine, to feel the presence of all things I never had and I will never ever get because I simply don't deserve them.

Whenever I feel said, I imagine a person, an imaginary person soothing me....I tried to do it, but it's not working rn. I think my loneliness made me an attention seeker. I want some attention, I don't want sympathy but I need attention and love. I am mentally tired, I need a hug , I just want to be comforted. Please help me.

I don't have courage to tell this matter to my parents. I know I am whimpering coward.

I am still trying , my best. I am trying to recover myself on my own and try to forget all that mess created in past three months. And I wish I get the courage to admit and shout out those things all aloud.

Wow Abhilasha!!! You have been crying for almost an hour and your eyes are swollen now.
Ugh my head also hurts now. I just looked into the mirror to check out how I look when I cry and Gah!!!!my eyes. They look horrible. Okay, I  admit that I cry everyday but Today, it was pretty long.

I hope It gets better when I wake up tomorrow. I'mma sleep now.