My tensions are increasing day by day.....I can't focus on anything. I feel so weak and so helpless. I am having mood swings, I often burst into tears without a cause and I have started to realise that .....I am useless, I am afraid I can't achieve anything. My fate is also working against me. I don't know what to do. I am just letting everyone down. I am not making any improvement. Dunno why? I seem to recover and then become sad again. I am really getting depressed again. Is it really depression or is it that healing wound which gets itchy at times. But I hate myself....I really hate myself.
I hate everything about myself. Neither I am not good enough nor I am making any improvements. I just keep on comparing myself only to find out I don't stand anywhere. People scare me because they have the things and qualities I don't have.
I hate myself for being soft hearted and sentimental. I try to be helpful and kind to everyone.....I want to make friends but what's the use of all this when no one cares about it. I feel ignored and left out.I wish I was a tough person who is quite sincere, bold, cool, doesn't get attached so easily and can adapt to the changes. Not a cry baby like me. I just wish I was a ruthless person, not an overthinker who gets discouraged with every petty thing. I hate myself because I keep on working for other people's approval. Those people who don't give a damn about about me...Those people who just temporarily come and then go away. Who just forget me so easily.
I don't know why I can't detach myself from other people. Why do I care for everyone. I don't want to be like this....cause these all feelings.....love,care affection, they are all rubbish in this 21st century. I wish I was also like other people. I wish I was also emotion less . People just leave me and I always keep on thinking and thinking about them and their memories. Despite on knowing that they have forgotten me.
It is totally my fault. I have many hopes and I expect a lot. When these expectations are not fulfilled...I become sad.I am wasting my time with this bullshit . I know I keep on saying same things again and again but I can't focus on anything except this.
People scare me....I get nervous around people because they are far better than me. I want to be friends, but I don't know how. I am a really boring person. Even If I succeed in socialising....My conversation are weird and people start hating me. I am very clingy and awkward....because, I feel very lonely. Very very very lonely.
I keep on imagining myself with the things and in the moments I wish were mine. I keep on mouthing everything, walking and running around randomly...smiling and talking to myself only to seem like a mad person.
I don't even have the common sense to the simplest things. I am clumsy and forgetful because I live in my imagination. My body language is weird, my talks are weird, my looks are weird. Everything is weird.
I am wasting my time. I wish only if I could stop this waste thinking .....become firmly determined so that I could work hard to achieve my goals.
I am trying but I can't cover up anything. Everything is going against me. When I think everything will heal, a new problems pops up.
But I don't think I can do anything. I am a failure in practical life....I can't even become self dependant..I don't even think I would be able to live on my own at any hostels. I am just scared I will fail. I want to run away...I want to die rn. At times I just wish that I get hit by a truck and die on the spot with severe injuries. I am burden for everyone. Everyone will hate me and use me except my mum. I know , I trouble my mum a lot.
I can't explain my problems to anyone....I can't share them fully. I don't think anyone can help it. I just lost the fight of my life before even entering it. Nothing can be fixed now.
I don't know why, but I seek attention from people who ignore me but still I am selfish in family love. I am becoming weaker, rude and spoilt when it's comes to my family . I am letting everyone down....I don't cooperate with anyone. I don't feel that much attachment at times.
Since a few days.. I am feeling sickish and irritable. I am getting discouraged with the pettiest things , I cry almost everyday. I feel like I am ill. I feel empty inside. I am looking my appetite. I feel fatigue . I can't even handle any scoldings any more. I just feel like shouting and crying bitterly.
I just don't like it when someone points out my mistake.....I stay so confused and underconfident. And I can't tolerate anymore losses now.
I hate this suicidal tendency but All circumstances are totally against me. And If I had to face more losses and failures and if still no solutions came out, Then I will fix a date to SUICIDE!!!! I CANT BEAR ANYTHING NOW.
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My Journal And Problems
RandomSo basically it's my journal and I am gonna write down all my feelings in it. It's really my personal stuff. Sounds stupid but yeah..... contains mentions of anxiety ,stress and personal problems....I don't want anyone to read it. So I want to decla...