Forever Doesn't Mean Always

5

Walking up the drive of her best friends house has never felt this weird. Everything feels off, as if none of this were real and Chloe is actually dreaming.

Chloe thinks it must be a dream, that's the only place she sees Beca now, whether it's a daydream in the middle of the coffee shop, reminiscing all of hers and Beca's coffee dates back in Barden. Or an actual dream, one where she wakes up still consumed with sleep and reaches for Beca, only to be hit with the realisation that Beca isn't there. Beca left her.

But she isn't dreaming. Beca really is inside.

Her heart clenches in her chest as she allows her mind to dwell on what is about to come. She's so excited to be back with the Bellas, those girls are her family and even though it's only been a few months since she last saw them she's missed them so much. Without Fat Amy's strange antics, Cynthia Rose's spontaneous rapping, Flo's absurd commentary and Lily's utterly creepy cult like attitude, her life is pretty boring. She's missed Jessica's bubbly persona similar to her own, and Ashley's bluntness which is like a toned down version of Beca's. Although they were all in the sisterhood of Bellas, Chloe always felt like Emily was an actual sister - someone who she had to protect more than the other girls.

Aubrey and Stacie are pretty consistent in her life, but she still misses the way Aubrey would smile when surrounded with the others because Aubrey sees them as her family just like Chloe does, and how Stacie would flirt with all of the girls, not stopping until Amy would snort with laughter, claiming 'You can't handle all this' or until Beca would flush all over.

Oh god. Beca...

The thought of seeing Beca again fills her with so many misplaced emotions. She's still so angry at Beca for leaving, but she's more mad at herself, for the way they ended things, and for not going after the girl she loved (loves).

But it's easier for her to be angry at Beca - to blame her rather than herself, even though deep down Chloe knows she is the one to blame.

It's just easier to blame Beca because in the end Beca got what she wanted. She's living in LA and making a name for herself. In a way breaking up with Beca was the best thing for the brunette, or at least that was what Chloe's trying to convince herself.

"Beca has probably moved on." Chloe whispers to herself, voicing her thoughts as an attempt to calm down. "It's going to be fine. We're going to be okay." She sighs at how ridiculous she must look giving a pep talk to herself.

She comes to a stop when her feet meet the welcome mat in front of the door. Her heart is still beating rapidly in her chest and her breathing is uneven. She scrunches her eyes shut and tightens the grip on her purse just to feel grounded as she lets out shaky breaths.

She might not have gone after Beca, but she did everything else in her power to try to reconnect with her. She called everyday, sent texts, Snapchat's and tweets. And she even went as far as sending one or two letters every month. But after almost a year of no responses, Chloe stopped trying. It wasn't that she stopped caring about Beca, but she couldn't handle hearing Beca's voice on the answer machine anymore, knowing that Beca didn't care enough to pick up the phone. She just couldn't keep pouring her heart out in letters that were probably just thrown in the trash unopened. And writing Beca's name on the envelope made tears spill down her cheeks every time. So she stopped, truly believing that she'd never see Beca again.

But now, standing outside of Aubrey's New York home, her heart flips in her chest.

She thought she could do this. On the drive down here she convinced herself she could handle seeing Beca again after all this time, because the thought of not seeing her was worse. But clearly her head and her heart aren't agreeing.