Thanks To You || Alex Gaskarth

1. I'm A Walking Travesty

Jack had been the one to call my therapist and parents, and tell them what was really going on. I knew he was just trying to help, but his interference pissed me off. I didn't want to cancel the rest of the tour and disappoint my fans. I didn't want to leave behind my home to visit someone I barely knew. This was what everyone thought was best, except for me. I mean, I wasn't that bad, was I? Sure, I had a few panic attacks and spent most of my time hidden away in my bunk. I'd taken up the habit of drinking often and eating rarely. I could understand why they thought it was a problem, but I could figure it out myself.

Despite what I thought, I'd boarded a flight to Columbia, South Carolina, leaving my best friends behind. Matt, Rian, and Zack had given me warm hugs, telling me to come back when I was okay again. With that ideal, I wondered if I'd ever come back. 

Cassadee had approached me next, crying out an "I miss you."

"I'm right here," I reassured her. "I haven't left just yet."

"You know that's not what I mean."

In all fairness, I knew what she meant, I just didn't want to believe that things were that different. Cass acted like I was a stranger, holding place in her friend's body. I was still me, I was just... an unhappy me. It wasn't a big deal though. I was fine.

Jack had been the last one to say goodbye, pulling me into an embrace so tight and meaningful that it made me miserable. I could see the hurt in my best friend's eyes as he watched me destroy myself. Guilt and shame ate at me. I found myself fascinated by my scuffed shoes and the airport flooring. If boarding the plane hadn't meant parting from them for who-knows-how-long, I would've been relieved to leave behind all their sympathy. It just reminded me of how much she'd hurt me, and I didn't need to be reminded. I could see it in the mirror every time I forced myself to look. I could feel it in my heart whenever I was gripped by an anxiety attack, pushing my feelings of uselessness and self-doubt to the surface.

With a final wave and a muffled shame-filled goodbye, I boarded the plane. I was sad to go, but a part of me knew that if I didn't get better after all of this, maybe I never would.

Soon, the plane was taking off and I distracted myself with the music blasting from my iPod and the latest edition of SkyMall. I honestly wondered who would buy some of that shit. I also tried to ignore the demon child behind me who thought it was funny to kick my seat. 

We landed bumpily on the tarmac two hours later and I don't think I'd ever been more relieved to get off an airplane. I maneuvered through the crowded airport, trying to find the baggage claim for my flight. Finally, I saw it and retrieved my two suitcases. I ignored the bustling people around me and headed for the pick up curb to find my aunt. 

It took a few minutes for me to spot her, only knowing that she would be driving a silver Toyota Prius. When I did spot her, I knew that was definitely my aunt. Though I hadn't seen her in over 10 years, I still vaguely remembered her. She still had that voluminous blond Texas hair and a beaming smile. Her skin was sun-spotted from age, but she was still pretty, in an aunt way. My mom had told me, a long time ago, that she'd been runner up for Miss South Carolina and had a revolving door of boyfriends. That was why no one understood how she'd ended up almost 50 with no husband or kids.

As soon as Aunt Kathy spotted me, she bolted from her spot, leaning against the car, and wrapped her arms around me. 

"Oh, Alex, it's so good to see you!" she exclaimed, her strong Southern accent stretching the words out.

"It's good to see you too, Aunt Kathy," I smiled. And, I meant it. I might not have wanted to come here and I barely remembered this relative. However, I couldn't deny that her hug felt warm and maternal. For the first time in a while, I was thinking in the moment and not the past.