Fleeting Moments

Chapter 14: Envelope

Why should my opinion matter to him, anyway? Hindi naman ako hahadlang sa kanila ni Talie. At wala rin naman siyang kailangang patunayan sa akin.

"It's been almost a year," I said, pertaining to our breakup. "It shouldn't matter if I believe you or not," I reminded him.

Hindi ganoon kakitid ang utak ko para ikulong o itali siya sa akin. If I weren't pregnant, I'm sure we wouldn't have talked for the span of almost ten months. Not even once. Hinding-hindi niya rin ako makikita, though I would still see him everywhere with all the news and his endorsements.

Kaya walang kaso sa akin kung sakali mang maka-move on siya. That's normal after a breakup.

"Akala ko ba, aayusin natin?" he asked, almost choking on the last word.

I froze for a moment. His Adam's apple moved as he kept on swallowing. And sometimes, I wish that I didn't know him in detail. That I didn't know how he looks when he's in pain. That I didn't know when he's holding back his tears.

This is one of those times.

I took a deep breath and reached for my laptop. Isinara ko iyon at hindi na muna siya nilingon ulit. I hated seeing him like that. A memory plays in my head, and I didn't want to be a crying mess like him. His tears are contagious. At least for me.

Nasobrahan yata kami sa atras at masyado nang napalayo ang takbo ng usapan. This was supposed to be about that damn article and how he shouldn't worry about me because all of those didn't matter to me. Hindi ganitong mapapadpad kami sa usapang iyon. We avoided that for the months we had been living in the same house, so why now? What's the point?

"That was before we broke up," I reminded him.

I could still see him from the side of my eye but not enough to see his reaction.

"Before, Ryo," I added, emphasizing the first word. Pinilit kong matawa. "We shouldn't talk about this anymore," I tried to say with all my bravado, but my voice started to sound faint halfway through my sentence.

My fingers unconsciously traced my forehead, trying to shove any stray hair back, as my chest grew heavy. I didn't want to cry. Tapos na ako roon, matagal na. Sabi ko nga e sapat na ang isang araw.

I buried that scene on the back of my head, thinking that it wouldn't hurt the next time it would resurface, but I thought wrong. Siguro, hindi pa ito ang panahon para ungkatin iyon nang tuluyan na akong walang mararamdaman.

I was about to ask him to leave but he spoke, "Hanggang ngayon, naniniwala ka talagang may nangyari sa 'min ni Talie?" he asked in disbelief.

Tuluyan nang napadpad sa gawi niya ang tingin ko. Hindi ako nakasagot agad at nakita ko ang naging reaksiyon niya roon. He mouthed a few curse words before looking away. I couldn't quite figure out if he looked disappointed, o baka hindi lang talaga siya makapaniwala.

Maybe he assumed that my silence meant yes.

But my silence meant no.

I believe and trust him.

It's just that . . . it hurt.

Maybe a little too much because after that, we just could not make it work anymore.

So it had to end.

I cleared my throat. It felt like something was blocking my airways, and I knew that I had to assure him that all this time, I believed him. And he didn't have to worry about that anymore.

"I work in the media industry, Ryo. I know how the media plays," I told him, hoping that he would get my point. And I wasn't lying just to pacify him; that's the truth.