Letter to my Love

Letter #6

Letter #6

February 23rd, 2019

Dear my love,

I almost killed myself today. I was ready to. I calmed myself down enough to talk to you. It is so hard not to talk to you but because I am not talking to you, there are things I need to say. You told me I was too hard to handle. I understand. You told me you're scared to hurt me. I understand every reason you're giving me. What I don't understand is why it seems like you're giving up. I am trying to be confident that love, true love will win over everything. That you will pick me and not her because I am the love of your life to just like you told me a few days ago. I am scared to lose you though because I cannot watch you love someone else. It is too hard. I was really set back in my journey of changing when I was going to kill myself. I didn't want the cuts to stop bleeding. One for every year we have been together. But back to the things I need to say but can't. I know I am hard to handle, but you have loved me anyway. We can fix this. I am willing to try, but she you can't talk to her romantically anymore. I am not asking you to just kick her to the curb, but if you pick me, I am not going to control what you do. I have given you so much freedom these last few months. I keep getting off topic but my point is that we can be together if you'll let us. In a relationship, we go through everything together. No one should go through anything alone. I have faith that you will not hurt me again. You have changed in the past few months and so have I. I have changed in the past few weeks. I have this new confidence. I have found God. I have faith in our relationship again and I hope you do too. We are going to get through this together. Not while being a couple, but by continuing to be loyal to each other while working on ourselves so we can make this relationship better than it ever was before. I will wait for you. I want to say so much to you, but the words keep leaving me. I started writing because I had something I needed to tell you, but it's gone now. I know it will come back when the time is right. We are special together. We are meant to be together which is why we will work out. We are both amazing people and I know you know this. This morning I saw some pictures of us and I keep remembering why we have worked so long. We have been willing to fight. I am not done fighting and neither are you. Relationships are not supposed to be easy, baby. You aren't so easy to handle either and I have felt all of these things that you are feeling now. I just never said anything. I have lost certain feelings. I never stopped loving you, but certain things were pushing me away and God pushed me back to you. I stopped feeling love when you said you loved me. I didn't feel love when you kissed me unless it was a certain way. I didn't feel love and I think that is what is happening now but you don't know what it is. You think that you've lost feelings for me and that is the end of us, but it isn't. It just means I haven't been showing you love like I should have been. I should have been there for you more these past few months and all of this is so clear to me now. You aren't losing feelings. You're just convinced you are because I haven't been giving you the love I used to show you before. I hope that when I explain this to you, that it makes sense. No matter what happens, I am always going to be here for you. You're the love of my life, and I know you're there for me because I am the love of yours. We will talk when you're ready.

Love,

String bean