Promises of a Sacrificial Lamb |Destiel x The Hunger Games|

-19-

I despise them almost as much as I despise Cresh.

It doesn't take long for the panic to settle in.  My mind is burned out.  My body is drained and exhausted.  I've been on the move almost all day and night, and I haven't slept, haven't eaten, haven't taken a drink.  Normal thoughts turn into catastrophic enemies.  I'm being attacked by my own mind, tormented with images of calamities that don't quite make sense but still overwhelm me with paralyzing terror, so much so that I have to sit down before my legs give out and send me collapsing to the ground.

How am I ever going to find Cas?  I can barely walk anymore.  Agonizing soreness seeps into my tired muscles the instant I sit back against a tree.  I'm lightheaded, no doubt due to the stress and lack of food and water, but I don't dare break into the limited amount of food in my knapsack.  It'll be gone by morning if I open it.

But what do I do?  At this rate I'll die of dehydration before I reach Cas.  It's still unbearably muggy.  Not even nighttime has cooled the stifling air.  My throat is so parched that it's difficult to swallow.  I'm not even sweating that much anymore, but I know that's not a good sign.  That means my body is running out of water, and fast.

I'm losing control.  I'm losing my grip on reality.  Fear clutches my thumping heart with icy fingers.  It's hard to breathe.  The air is so steamy.  I'm exhausted, overwrought, completely terrified of where I am and what I've gotten myself into that I can't even think properly anymore.  My thoughts are a frenzied mess.  I can't wrangle them in.

What if I never find Cas?  What if I drop dead of dehydration before I reach him?  What if Cresh and his partner find him before I do?  What will they do to him?  Nothing good, I know.  Or what if they find me first, borderline unconscious against a tree, sluggish with fatigue and unable to fight back?  I'm a sitting duck out here, but I don't have the energy to move.

What if something happens to Cas because I ran in the opposite direction and left him alone in this dangerous rainforest?

This is all my fault.  I shouldn't have run.  I should have met up with him like we planned, like I promised.  None of this would be happening if I had just followed the plan.  I thought I was helping him by leading Cresh astray.  I was trying to save him, but now he's alone, and I have no idea where to find him.  I didn't think.  I acted on a whim, and in the end, it did far more harm than good.

I'm sure I would cry if I had the water in my body to do so, but instead, I'm left with a throbbing pain in my chest that refuses to go away.  It's like my heart is shattering to pieces, slowly and excruciatingly.  It squeezes all the oxygen out of my lungs.  It's worse than any pain I've ever experienced, and the cause is nothing concrete or tangible.  That's what makes it so intolerable.

I never realized loneliness could hurt this much.

I don't know if I can do this.  I don't know if I can keep going.  The dire effects of no sleep or food or water is taking its toll on me, not to mention the terror that's still pumping through my veins.  I want to find my district partner more than anything.  Believe me, I do, but the mere thought of getting back on my aching feet makes the migraine hammering inside my skull more torturous than ever.

I can't do this.  I just want him here with me.  I can't stand being by myself in this nightmare world.  I can't stand the thought of him being alone out there, afraid and vulnerable to attack, but I can't move.  My body is already trying to shut itself down, and that only makes the torment worse.

This is all my fault.

I choke on a tearless sob.  It rattles in my constricted throat, heaves my shoulders, and a faint jingle rings in my ears.  At first I panic, thinking someone is nearby, but then I remember the silver locket hanging from my neck.  Crowley's words come flooding back to me in an instant.