The Disappointment Kid (Completed)

15

"Maybe I got this all wrong, and I'd feel differently if I felt there was a community for me out there somewhere," I continued. "We live in a very sexualised world these days. There is sex everywhere, on TV, on the internet, in all the magazines, literally everywhere. Basically, it suggests that sex is what we think about all day, that it's the ultimate goal, our purpose in life. I know that because it stares me in the face every day." I took a deep breath. "The thing with me is, you see, that... that I don't think about 'it' all day, that it's not my ultimate goal. The sad fact is that I don't even see the attraction."

I felt my face redden but ploughed on regardless. In for a penny, you know. "Just thinking about it makes me feel queasy. I don't even like physical contact much. Yes, I know it's mainly because of my body issues, and I find it embarrassing when others feel my excess weight. I like holding hands with you and even cuddling with you, but anything else... it makes me shudder." I honestly couldn't believe I was sharing the one thing that I never ever wanted anyone to know. I never even put it into words in my head when I was talking to myself. Total denial up till now. I kept my eyes firmly directed at Henry's carpet and desperately fought the flight instinct which had kicked in about five minutes earlier. And by flight I meant flight, taking a plane somewhere at least 1000 miles away.

"Have you ever...?" I had never seen Henry at a loss for words before.

"Ah well, I had one encounter with the world of sexcapades."

Henry's eyes widened.

I laughed. "Only joking. I had one encounter with a boy once, but that never progressed past first base."

"And you didn't like any of it?"

"Well, I liked the idea at first. My mum had forced me to take classical dance lessons. What a nightmare that was. Put the fat girl in some fancy dress and off she goes. I must have been fourteen at the time. Mother thought it would be a triple strike. I'd shed the weight from all the exercise, from the whole 60 minutes once a week. I'd become Mrs Personality of the Year at some stage during the 10 weeks this course would last. Finally, I'd find a boyfriend she could brag about to her Botox friends. She must have been under the impression, somehow, that classical dance is for rich white kids only."

Just thinking about my mother's bigotry made me angry again, but now was not the time to let it interfere.

I sighed. "Unfortunately, none of that happened. There were more girls than boys in the class, so I always ended up being partnered with one of the other 'leftovers'. It goes without saying that being publicly humiliated once a week didn't turn me into Mrs Congeniality, either. But towards the end of the ten weeks, a miracle occurred. This one guy approached me and asked me to dance. He wasn't even ugly or anything. Looking back on it now, I'd say the poor boy lost a bet or something, but I was too naïve and perhaps too excited to have been noticed to get that. Anyway, his name was Tom. He held me really close. I felt a little uncomfortable, but truthfully, it was nice. All of a sudden, he bent down towards my face and kissed me."

"And?" Henry prompted when I paused.

"And it was fantastic. I felt positively euphoric. My first kiss. But then I felt this slimy thing on my lips. It was his freaking tongue. He pushed my lips open with it and then stuck the entire thing in my mouth. Then he kind of wiggled it, like a fucking wet flag or something. I think that was the biggest shock of my life. What was he doing? I had never heard of such a thing."

My bafflement and my outrage must have still been detectable in my voice because Henry chuckled, then immediately apologised. I dared a look. And was instantly reminded of that film Life of Brian again, that scene where the guards are desperately trying to keep a straight face as Pilate repeatedly tells them about his good friend 'Biggus Dickus'. Henry had sucked his lips in and seemed not to be breathing. When I met his eyes, he couldn't stop a chuckle from escaping.