The Disappointment Kid (Completed)

7

That night I was lying in bed, battling insomnia like most nights. This time was different, though. It was a good and a bad kind of insomnia. I was used only to the bad kind. It was good because my mind circled around the time I had spent with Henry, and it was bad because my mind obsessed over the time I had spent with Henry. It was good because I couldn't shake the smug feeling when I thought about the conversation with my parents that followed Henry's visit. It was bad because I couldn't shake the anger and sense of betrayal when I thought about my parents' bigotry. But first things first.

Henry had stayed at my place for nearly three hours, which we spent talking about some heavy stuff. This was new territory for me. I had never let anyone see even a glimpse of the real me. But Henry made me open up a little bit.

"I'm here now, Cat. So, talk to me! What is going on with you?"

"It's really just some family trouble. My mum isn't the easiest person to live with, you know. It's just stupid stuff, but it seems to be piling up at the moment." I paused. "Trish has found a new friend to replace me, and Trish was really my only friend. It was my fault, too. I've been such a little shit towards her. So don't go blaming her!"

Henry gently squeezed my hand. "Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. We all make mistakes. I'm sure you didn't do anything that an apology couldn't fix."

I laughed. "I don't know if you have noticed, but my social skills are below those of a mole. I hide whenever I am in public. I'm too much of a coward to walk up to her and say sorry. What if she doesn't want to know? What do I even say? How would I even...?"

"Shush, Cat. You are definitely no coward. I've seen you stand up for me against five nearly grown men. I have honestly and genuinely never seen a woman braver than that. I'm sure a little apology is nothing compared to that."

I mulled this over for a minute. I had never seen myself as brave. Wherever my mother dragged me to, sports club or music lessons or a party, she would always point out to everybody, as soon as we walked through the door, that her younger daughter was a little coward and so shy that she needed a little time to "thaw out", before she would speak. Every time she said these words, I waited for the earth to open up in front of me and swallow me whole. Unfortunately, the universe never decided that a small rescue mission for Katherine Shelley was in order. This left me with only one recourse: hide behind my mother's legs until my face had returned to its normal colour and my chest had loosened up enough for me to draw a proper breath again, effectively confirming my mother's description of me.

"What are you thinking about so hard?" Henry asked gently.

"Nobody's ever called me brave. In fact, my family think I'm the world's biggest coward."

"Well, I can testify to the fact that nothing could be further from the truth. What you did for me took guts, a hell of a lot of guts. Nobody, and I mean nobody, has ever done anything that courageous for me. And I am ashamed to say that rather than thanking you profusely, I seem to remember that I yelled at you for it instead."

"You did it for all the right reasons, though, Henry. You were just scared for me." Then I remembered. "And for yourself. That's what you said, anyway. What did you mean by that?"

"Nothing." Henry averted his eyes.

"You know, Henry, I'm not big on trust and sharing my shit, I promise you. What I just did – telling you about some of the things that I am wrestling with at the moment – is a first for me and well out of my comfort zone. But I did it because I am starting to trust you and because you have to start somewhere, if you know what I mean. And despite the fact that I felt horribly out of my depth, it has left me feeling lighter. And that is thanks to you. So please don't shut me out now. I'm definitely no eminent authority in human relationships but I believe that I also can be a reasonably good friend. So: what did you mean by saying you were scared of yourself?"