Specularis (The Order - Vermish)

7: you were the right way

"Before seeing Cassie, I witnessed some things that I shouldn't have."

"Just say it, Hamish. You're making me nervous."

"Your daughter- I know you've told me some things about her-"

At the mention of her child, her whole persona instantly changed. This Vera was more vulnerable and more expressive. Her eyes were glassy and her voice barely audible. "Are you saying you saw her?"

Dammit. I should have just said it outright. "No. But I think I might have peeked into one of your memories after she died. I'm sorry for not being straightforward."

The disappointment was apparent in her expression. "It's... fine."

"Vera, I'm not trying to pressure you into telling me anything- in fact, you're not obligated, and I don't need to. Your past is yours. I'm only admitting this to you because I feel guilty. I didn't deserve to see that without your permission, and although I acknowledge that I didn't really have much choice, I still feel like I've done you some wrong in some way. Maybe if I didn't think about you so much, I could have prevented that-"

Vera cut me off. "No, I understand. Like you've said, you were caught off guard. And I'd like to."

"Like to what?"

"Share some more things with you. About my daughter."

"Vera, I told you-"

"Yes, and now I'm telling you that I want to." She exhaled deeply before continuing. "Hamish, I'd like you to see me as a person for who I really am. In this...  relationship, the biggest insecurity I have is that what if it gets harder for you to recognize the line between me as Grand Magus and me as your partner. Because I am both and I want you to see the duality and be able to differentiate. And if I don't bare myself to you, I'm afraid that one day that might just be the reason why I lose you given our history and even our present."

"I already know what you're about to tell me: I don't need to. But I do. I trust you, sometimes even more than I do myself, but if I am unable to calm this distress in my head, this might end up in me pushing you away."

"Okay."

Her expression was evident in a mix of emotions. Her gaze was distant. "Bad choices... I made a lot of them when I was younger. Back when I thought I could conquer the world just because I wanted to, I thought I had it all figured out. I was your usual defiant, middle-classed teenager with controlling parents. I never obeyed, because they never gave me a good reason to. With every shout, curse, and sometimes slap they hurled at me, I retaliated by doing whatever the hell pleased me. I stole money from them, embarrassed them- I basically made myself out to be akin to the demon's spawn in our neighborhood just for revenge. Then I got pregnant."

Tears were starting to form in her eyes, but she didn't let that hinder her. "And unlike the rest of teenage pregnancies which were met with anxiety, I took it as a sign of hope. I had nothing, no one. I thought I had a chance to give that child what was deprived of me. I promised the growing being inside of me that I was going to better than the people who were forced to be my family. So I began looking for jobs, even stayed in school, and had better scores than I ever had. With the little salary that I received plus some of the money I saved from stealing, I managed to rent a small place I thought was my fresh start. My life at that point wasn't any much easier, but it was the most life I've ever really lived. When she was finally born, I was knee-deep in debt from hospital bills, rent- but I kept going because she was the most beautiful creation my life has ever offered me. But I didn't anticipate that something would go wrong."

Before she went on, she let herself weep silently on my shoulder. The wetness was seeping through my shirt and her chest moved up and down. "She died of anaphylactic shock- I told you that, right?" She stated after lifting her head to look at me once again. "Well, if I wasn't blind-sided I could have saved her. If I somehow managed to find some way to pay for a solution, I would have known, and maybe she would still be alive right now. But all that I had was hope and her, and they were both crushed by the harsh hands of reality. There was no amount of begging or pleading that could have reversed the events. She was dead, and it was years before I managed not to break down at the mere thought of her."

I was unsure of what to say. I was unsure what she needed to hear from me, so I told her the only truth I could muster. "Vera, you're the bravest person in the world."

She scoffed laughingly. "Perhaps I am. Or maybe because I hadn't allowed myself to feel ever since, it's as if I was dead anyway. Until you, of course."

For the longest time, we just sat there. Our arms circled each other. Vera sobered up from her earlier disposition, but still, I remained my fingers to run circles on her back. Every once in a while, we would alternate from me pressing kisses on her face to her giving ones to my chest. "Thank you for letting me in."

"Thank you for making it so easy."

There were a million things we needed to discuss  (Lilith, my position, Praxis, what happens next), but there was a time for that. Right now? Right now, there was just she and I inside the safety and darkness of her bedroom.