breathe

viii.

My feet dangled from the ledge of the brick wall of the park. I hadn't painted anything. I didn't have the desire to do so. Not today. Not even for the past week. There was something in me that told me to come down here today. I had a concept but I didn't want to paint it here. It was too dark to share. I didn't want to paint it on my wall at my place. It was too dark to put on display. I even attempted to paint it on canvas with the soul intention to destroy it after. As I made the first stroke on the fabric, Ifelt my hands tremor instantly.

So I came to the park to distract myself. Even though I was sitting on what would have been my canvas today  I found more pleasure in watching and listening to those around me. Especially Ms. Kelly.

"Are you even listening?" The question came from the bottom of the wall. Ms. Kelly stood there with her hands planted on both sides of her hips. Though her eyes kept darting off to the side  I could tell they were full of worry. I forced a smile on to my lips and nodded.

"Of course."

"Then what was I saying?" Her tone was snappy but I knew it wasn't her intention.

"You were talking about Dots and how he's starting to stop showing up for shifts." I looked down to see her arms folded in frustration. "Was I right?"

"Yes, but I would like it if you were down here."

"I'm comfortable, though."

I swung my legs back and forth. My heels fell into a rhythm of bouncing of of the wall. I took another glance over the park and noticed the many families that were scattered about. They looked happy and if they weren't I can only assume that their stories are.

"It's nice being off the ground. Things look a lot sweeter up here. It's lighter." I added.

"Well sometimes you need to ground yourself so you can understand others and yourself. If your head is in the clouds, the air gets thin and you start seeing things how they aren't. I read that in my counseling book."

"Did you just tell me to humble myself, Ms. Kelly?"

She definitely just did.

"I never said that. I said well sometimes you need to..." She repeated exactly what she said before and I started to come down.

She often repeated herself. In the process of her doing that, I started to climb down the side railings of the wall. Paint chips from old pieces fell down like glitter with each step. It felt like I was stepping on ashes. But in a respectful kind of way? I don't know. I just know that someone was here before and they're probably happy someone is still painting on this wall. At least I hope they're happy.

I started to leave and Ms. Kelly followed still going on about a different topic. I knew it was either about running or counseling. Those were the two things she loved to discuss the most. Despite how much I wanted to listen to her, my mind was flooded.

Ms. Kelly wasn't wrong about the air being thin up there. In fact  she was completely right. But I found no problem with it at all. When the air is thin you automatically try to catch your breath. You start to appreciate what you've had all this time but took for granted. It's the only thing you'll focus on in that moment.

Now that I'm on the ground, I can breathe but there are more things to worry about. Too many things that I shouldn't be thinking about now. From the past and the future. The present is replaced with them.

Planning for future conflict that I'll probably not speak up during is a common one. I have full control of those in my mind. They're fun sometimes until the ending is really bad. Like devastating.