Powder [phan]

XXIX

The closer we got, the more he saw of me, the more aggressive I became. In the end I despaired because it was so useless to try to hide anything from him when he already knew me inside out.

He had unmasked me and there was nothing left, no part of me that did not yet belong to him and when I noticed this, I became so panicky that I dragged everything around me into the abyss.

Here I had focused on recognizing the moment when I started to resist in this destructive way and I was shown how to allow and even appreciate not having to hide anything.

I understood that it was good for me, healing me, when this dog with its teeth no longer existed in me, which in the end hurt me the most, and I just loved instead. And it didn't matter who, in the first place.

It didn't matter if it was Phil who would be that person for me.

The person I gave my heart to and trusted to take good care of it.

The person who could perhaps hurt me, and possibly would, but who, in proportion, always enriched me far more than harmed me because he was just as willing to give me his heart.

This was probably the most painful and difficult realization of all.

To realize that it might not be Phil who would be the one person to give me all of this.

And that the life I had to face after the long time here would perhaps never be spent with him, at least not in a committed relationship, was almost unbearable. Even today, on the day I was allowed to leave the clinic, I had not yet fully accepted this thought.

So many times my psychologist had taught me that I should welcome everything that was waiting for me with open arms and that I shouldn't be blocked by the happiness I finally had to allow myself, even if it wasn't Phil. How often had she told me that. So many times.

My happiness must not depend on Phil.

I saw Oliver's car in the parking lot and forgot the thought for a moment, because I hadn't even seen him in those twelve months either. Before I had left, I had thought it was for the best, while I was in the clinic, not to be confronted with anything from my old life, which is why I had also asked him not to visit me.

Oliver got out and a big grin crept across my face as I pulled the suitcase behind me faster and faster on this relatively warm day and reached him soon after.

"Danny boy!" he exclaimed joyfully, took off his sunglasses and spread his arms.

I put the suitcase down and went into his exuberant embrace, in which he felt me almost crushed.

"Well?" I greeted him somewhat awkwardly after he had let me go. "How are you?"

"You're asking me that? I'm fine, but how are you?"

"Fine. I'm so fucking fine." I replied and an uncomfortable silence arose, in which it was probably decided whether we would continue to behave like the friends we had been before I came here, or whether something had changed between us. After all, twelve months was a fucking long time, especially when you had seen each other almost every day.

"It's a little weird." I decided to be honest and break the ice between us. "I've been away so long. I feel a bit queasy about it. I've just gotten used to it and, well, I don't know how much I rely on being controlled, if you know what I mean."

Oliver nodded understandably, but didn't answer anything until he packed my suitcase in the car, we both sat down and he drove off.

"So you mean you don't know if you might relapse now that you're on your own?"

"I mean, I don't know how I'll feel once I get home and deal with myself."

"You've been dealing with yourself for the last 12 months. That's what you were there for." Oliver replied and I frowned. "Listen, Dan. Think of all you've done already. Think positive, and don't start thinking about how you might fail again."

"Yeah, that's right, you're right." I looked to my left and watched him follow the traffic. I missed the peace and quiet he exuded. And not just since I'd been in rehab. "In fact, I think it's pretty impossible that I could forget myself and everything I've learned and go back to drugs."

"See, that's more like it." he said, smiling warmly at me.

"So how's it going with you? How's Youtube?" I changed the subject.

"It's okay." he muttered sadly. "I'm doing okay, but you're missing. Vidcon sucked without you." He laughed and I smiled weakly. "People miss you. The fans and our friends miss you. Maybe you should start doing videos again sometime. You know, when you feel like you're ready again."

"Yeah, maybe." I gave back faintly, although I had absolutely no intention of doing that. I didn't feel like I could.

I loved this job, but was it right for a person like me? Or rather, was I right for this job where others depended on me to function?

"We'll talk about it again sometime." I think Oliver felt there wasn't much he could do with me right now.

"Would you mind if, after I've taken my suitcase to my apartment, you could drop me off somewhere else?" I asked him while looking out the window and examining London, which I hadn't seen in such a long time.

"Where?" he wanted to be surprised.

No wonder, because normally you don't necessarily have many appointments on the first day after being in a clinic for months. And yet I thought he'd see right through me.

"Phil." I replied when he stopped at a red light at that very moment and looked at me with a look I couldn't really interpret. He seemed to be shocked at the same time, but also somehow as if he had guessed that this situation would arise.

"Are you sure this is such a good idea?" he then said and I hesitated for a moment before answering.

"Why not?"

"I mean, maybe you shouldn't take on so much at once. I mean, you've been gone so long."

"I won't faint just by looking at him." I laughed, but fell silent when he didn't tune in. "Oliver, he's still my best friend and it's only natural that I want to see him again. Don't worry, I'm not going to be completely overwhelmed by this after all that's happened."

"That's not what I mean, Dan. It's just that his life has changed too."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

He kept quiet and turned into the street where the house where I lived was. He looked at me for a moment until he sighed.

"Nothing, forget it. I'm just worried. You're right, you're still his friend." he blocked out. "Come on, let's take your suitcase upstairs and then I'll drive you to him."

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how did phil's life change, huh?