Powder [phan]

XXVIII

"You're good at that." Dan commented with a grin and I smiled slightly.

"Don't get used to it."

He sat up and seemed to ponder something before turning his thoughts into words.

"I'm really grateful to you, but I still don't know why you came here in the first place. Probably not to get my booth in shape." he suspected.

"I actually wanted to say goodbye to you." I said honestly. "I have no idea when we will see each other again and if, well, if I will visit you sometime." I said, still not knowing whether I would really be able to be friendly with him if I showed up in the clinic would.

"I think you shouldn't do that." He then resolutely took the decision from me and I finally looked up at him from my hands, which had only been moving from one piece of clothing to the bag and back again and again.

Meanwhile, however, he looked thoughtfully out of the window and his right hand massaged the inside of his left as if trying to calm down.

"How?" I asked a little confused, although I suspected what he meant, even if it shocked me that he had probably come up with this idea on his own.

"I don't just have to get rid of the drugs, but also you. I finally have to get on with myself. Finding my way in life alone. Do you understand? I don't want to lose you and you don't know how happy it makes me that you even consider visiting me, but-"

"Got it, Dan." I cut him off and felt the corners of my mouth pull up almost involuntarily to present a proud smile.

I would miss him a lot more than I would have admitted before him, but it was so much more important to me that he could find himself and stand on his own two feet. We would at least that friendship would be healthy and work and we both would find a way to be happy with it. Maybe it wasn't as difficult as it felt.

Dan also smiled at me, making it seem like we were thinking exactly the same thing, mentally agreeing with each other.

"I'll go now, I guess." I forced myself to do it, whereupon Dan looked at me less than pleased. Nevertheless, he would never have contradicted me at the moment.

"I'm sure you have to leave too." I added, and he bit his lip nervously while accompanying me to the door.

"Yes, Oliver will come and take me there in an hour." He explained.

Now we had reached the point where we had to say goodbye, but we both said and simply didn't do anything until it got really strange.

"Then we'll see each other sometime." So I took the first step, which caused Dan's gaze to change suddenly. He looked at me sadly and lost, as if he had struggled all the time to show these feelings and couldn't hold it back now. Again he looked so weak, though the sensible decisions he'd made for our good and ultimately for everyone who cared about Dan's health almost made me believe he could handle the situation.

In the end, he was still just as dependent on help, only he had finally decided to accept it.

"I'm looking forward to it." he said quietly and managed to smile.

"Me too." I replied, noticing that my voice was getting weaker and weaker. "See you then, Dan."

"See you then." I only breathed from my counterpart and I swallowed hard before I turned away from him.

My fingers wrapped around the cool handle and I paused, almost as if I was waiting for something.

"Phil?" Dan then called attention to me again and I turned around without hesitation.

"Yes?"

I was almost startled when I saw what was in his eyes now, so much love and affection as if he had had everything that bound us together recapitulated at that moment.

His eyes captivated me one more time and I just couldn't help trying to be strong, but then he reached out and grabbed my hand and pulled me a little before I could have reacted.

"Phil." He repeated just as quietly, but now I knew what he was going to do and I wanted to read it further in his eyes, wanted to feel the love, let it flow into me, but he was now only fixing my lips

"Yes?" I said weakly, which was supposed to sound like a question, but I couldn't keep my voice as he put his hand on my chest as his breath rose again and again under his heavy breaths. Time seemed to stand still until his warm fingers slowly moved up my neck and he kissed me a second later, stormily, as if he didn't want to give me the chance to escape from the start and my heart immediately beat twice as fast before.

We were standing in the middle of his apartment, kissing each other wildly, exploring each other's bodies as if they were completely foreign to us until we almost lost our grip, but he held on to me with an increasingly firm grip and I did the same. His hair tickled my face as he tilted his head slightly to conquer my neck with his lips, to elicit a pleasant sigh from me, only to find my mouth again soon after, which I opened slightly so that our tongues could fuse together . I was unable to think, didn't want to, was like being transported to another world.

My hands clasped his hips and his fingers touched my neck, only his thumbs stroked my soft cheeks ceaselessly while we couldn't let go.

Until I woke up.

My mind came back and I grabbed the collar of his shirt, retreating slightly, so that his attempt to let our lips touch again after a minimal separation failed.

"We shouldn't do that, Dan." I said with the last amount of oxygen I had left after that kiss. "That only makes us unhappy again."

He gazed sideways after I let him go. I recognized the disappointment and the pain, although he seemed to understand and I narrowed my eyes, because I couldn't stand this sight, only heard his heavy breath.

"Fuck. You're right. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry." He said, looking a little ashamed to the floor. "I just miss you."

"I miss you too." I admitted quietly. "But it's better that way. You said it yourself."

"I know."

I knew it was actually a good thing that he thought that way, and yet it still hurt so much to have to accept it. Realizing that it just didn't work between us, although we still clearly loved each other as much.

"It's not that I want you to get out of my life, but you sure know what I mean." he added.

"Yes, understand." I replied dejectedly.

"You won't get rid of me." he added with a grin and I laughed weakly.

"Looks like it." I said and looked at Dan again, who suddenly looked so fucking sad that I just wanted to protect him again.

"I'm sorry, Phil. I'm so sorry about everything." He said honestly.

"I know." I said. "We will use the time and heal."

Dan nodded and I turned around again just to really go.

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two chapters today, because why the fuck not.