Powder [phan]

XXVII

He bridged the last distance far more slowly, looked me helplessly in the eyes, was probably waiting for something like permission from me and I knew I should hug him now, I wanted to hug him, but I didn't move.

His self-protection had driven us to ruin and now it was mine who only wavered when his tears flowed again. It was far from the first time I had seen him cry, but it was the first time that I felt that as far as he was concerned there was nothing left of said protection.

Maybe it was just the circumstances, but at least now he was doing what was the only thing I had ever asked of him and that could have saved us and our relationship if he had done it a little earlier.

He trusted me.

I didn't know how long and I didn't know if it was Tyler's death or the past few weeks that he had to spend without me, but at that moment he was relying on the fact that he still meant enough to me.

I gently put my arms around his trembling body and pressed him to me, felt his hands that made their way to my back to make our hug even more intimate.

"That's all too much." Dan mumbled softly, not loosening his grip until our body warmth had adjusted and it seemed as if we were standing in place as if carved in stone.

"I can't live with what I did to you, Phil." he continued, though I had just managed not to think about it for the time I was holding him.

"It doesn't matter now, Dan." I whispered.

"It does. Because Tyler had to die for me to understand." he replied in a thin voice, but I didn't answer anything. Just pushed him away from me and took his hand to leave this hospital with him.

"Let's go to my place first." I suggested and Dan nodded.

When we got to my apartment, I quickly realized that there wasn't much I could do to help him. He looked so tired that I didn't think he was capable of anything but sleeping.

It was early in the morning. Dan just kept silent next to me as I hung up my jacket and saw him keep shaking.

"You can go to bed if you want." I offered and he looked up, looking at me with big, round eyes that literally made me think of a shy deer. A shy deer that wasn't even able to run away anymore.

"You haven't slept much, have you?" I asked when he didn't respond.

Even in the train we were sitting in the far corner, so that nobody would recognize us, he was close to falling asleep, despite the shock that was still in his bones.

"No." he replied softly with a weak shake of the head.

"Then come. I wouldn't offer it to you if it wasn't okay. "I tried to take away his insecurity.

It was as if he was visiting me for the first time, as if he hadn't lived here, as if this was the first time we were talking privately, so he had to try to behave as well as possible.

I went to get him to follow me and in fact he sneaked after me into the bedroom where I lifted the covers and stepped aside. I looked at him again, waiting, and he was silent again. Obviously, Tyler's death had upset him so much that the easiest things were too difficult for him.

"Come on." I said softly, whereupon he finally seemed to understand and sluggishly took off his shoes to lie down on my mattress.

I hesitated when he lay in front of me, but ultimately decided to do the same for him and covered him carefully to avoid unnecessary touching.

His tired eyelids dropped and I took a long step away from him.

"I'll let you sleep then. Just call me if you need something, okay? "