Powder [phan]

XXV

I had actually lost control a long time ago. I voluntarily surrendered to the devastating poison a long time ago and it dominated me, didn't allow me to give someone else this power over me.

And I had no idea how to escape from it.

Fresh cocaine mixed with my blood and I saw Phil in front of me. Even though it was not real and I was so used up and broken, but also relieved. Relieved that he moved on without me and I was alone, so that at least I could no longer drag anyone else down with me.

I was relieved until the weight fell on me again.

Phil's POV

"You have the key to his apartment, don't you?" Oliver asked me nervously while we were sitting in a small, somewhat secluded café. It was relatively unknown and therefore a good place for us if we didn't want to be disturbed.

"No not anymore. I left them there. Sorry." I replied listlessly, supporting myself exhausted on my right arm and stirring my coffee with my other hand. "Can we change the subject, please? I've spent enough of my life worrying about Dan. "

I brought the cup to my lips and took a sip of the still too hot drink, which I unfortunately noticed too late.

"Ah, fuck!" I said, touching my aching tongue.

"How can you be so calm?" Oliver complained blankly. "I know he fucked up, but you can't not care if he might be dead in his apartment right now. He hasn't answered for days and doesn't respond to calls, nor did he just open the door when I was at his apartment."

I looked annoyed at him across the table.

"I just can't do it anymore." I replied of my own accord. "I don't know where else to take the strength to worry about what might be with him. I'm too busy trying to keep myself from jumping in front of the next passing car."

Shocked my friend raised his eyebrows and almost knocked over his cup.

"Dude!" he commented in horror at my statement, which was actually just so casually said.

"Don't worry. I won't do that." I reassured him. "There are other men besides Dan. As if I would give up my whole life right away because-"

I hesitated, noticing that I wasn't taking the fuss myself, so Oliver certainly wouldn't.

"Of course I care, okay?" I admitted, avoiding his knowing looks. "What he did is making me sick and the uncertainty as well. But still the world keeps turning. And at some point it will also feel like it does to me."

"Philly." said Oliver softly, sympathetically. "What the fuck is happening here?"

"I don't know." I muttered. "We should stop feeling like we have responsibility for him. You said that too, didn't you? We can't take care of him forever."

"I said that before all the shit got down."

I was silent and shortly afterwards his cell phone vibrated on the table. I had never seen him reach for it so quickly to read what triggered the vibrating alarm and a few seconds later he breathed a sigh of relief.

"He texted. He says he's fine and that he just wants to be alone." He let me know and I made a face in disbelief.

"And you believe him?" I laughed lightly, tiredly, desperately. I was just done.

Oliver looked speechless at the display and seemed to think about the message a second time.

"What else should I do?" He then asked.

I tapped my fingers on the wooden tabletop and tried to suppress the panic that was rising inside me. It was clear to me that he wasn't doing well at all and was doing well, and despite everything, I just couldn't stop being afraid for him.

"Listen, Phil. I know he fucked up. Really bad. But I won't give up on him, never. He's like a fucking brother to me."

"I don't expect you to give him up. I don't expect you to stand on either side. There is no fucking side, Oliver." I explained pissed off and he swallowed hard. "I just don't want to love him anymore." I mumbled to myself, although I didn't really want to say it.

"I believe you. But you do and he is our friend after all." Oliver replied.

"Yes. And we are probably worried for nothing. He's probably just nailing the next girl. Or the next guy, what do I know." The anger returned in me. "He never gets enough."

"Philip." Was all that Oliver replied dejectedly.

"Maybe instead of being in therapy, God knows how many other people he fucked." I suspected bitterly and drank half of my coffee in one go, which had finally reached a comfortable temperature.

"Phil, I don't want to justify what Dan did, but please don't pretend you were just one of many for him. You know that is not true. Shit, even I know that."

"May be. Nevertheless. Ultimately, I was just another victim in his desperate search for what do I know what. Something that he probably never will find anyway." I replied and saw how outside the shop window the city was bathed in the beautiful orange light that was generated by the setting sun.

"I think he already had it. He just wasn't ready to hold it." Oliver said and I looked at him suspiciously as I got up to put on my jacket.

"Wow, now you're getting philosophical. Now that logic no longer helps?"

"Where do you want to go?" He wanted to be surprised, ignoring my statement.

"In my flat. I am really tired. I haven't slept very well in the last few days, as you might imagine." I explained to him and the moment I said it, I felt twice as much as my body wanted to sleep.

"Okay, please keep in touch." Bat Oliver, whereupon he also rose to hug me goodbye.

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what do we think? :)
also, my life is turning to shreds right not so have fun with this chapter.