In Too Deep: A Walking Dead Clementine x Male Reader

Part 39: What Remains

I soon arrived at the school gates, and there isn't any noise from inside. No one working, no one talking, absolutely silent. I walk inside and see that everyone is standing at the school entrance. They silently watch as I walk across the courtyard to the graveyard.

When I get close, the silence is finally broken by Violet. "Y/N, I wanna help bury him."

I look at her as I walk, but only answer her when my backs to her. I can't look at her right now. I don't know if its still due to failing her and the others, or if its because I know how she's going to react.

"Just get me a bed sheet to wrap him in. I'll handle the rest."

"What?! No, Y/N let me help you. Let us help you."

I stop walking and take a deep sigh. They don't know what they're asking for, they don't know what they'll see.

"I...I can't."

"You can't? What are you talking about! Why not!"

Now everyone is starting to speak. Ruby and Aj are trying to calm Violet down, but Louis is having Willy read his writing and yelling out the contents so its just egging her on. Both of them want to see Tenn, but they've been through enough already. Only one person has to bear this, why should all of us suffer?

"You have no right to do this! We knew him longer then you! He...he's the closest thing I had to a family!"

Violet is starting to bawl her eyes out, but still continues to yell at me. It's almost impossible to hear myself think, let alone what everyone is saying.

All of my memories of Tenn begin to flow, from the good to the bad. Talking about life without walkers, eating dinner together, and playing music for him at the party are memories I never want to forget. But....all that remains are memories I wish to forget.  The look in his eyes when he was shot, seeing the walkers devour him, and having to put him out of his misery.  It's...too much.

"Y/N! You're nothing but a selfish piece of shit!"

"ENOUGH!"

They all grow silent, and some are even stepping away due to my outburst. Anger is starting to flow through my body because of Violets comment.

"I'm....I'M SELFISH!?  Do you think I wanted to do any of this?!  That I wanted to see the look in his FUCKING EYES WHEN HE DIED!?  THAT I WANTED TO WATCH HIM BE EATEN, AND THEN NOT BE ABLE TO DO ANYTHING TO HELP!?  OR....THAT I WANTED TO FUCKING PUT A KNIFE IN HIS HEAD TO PUT HIM OUT OF HIS MISERY!?"

I turn and look at them. Everyone is silent, but they're now starting to frown and even wipe their eyes. I'm scaring them away from me.  I'm losing them, but I can't control myself.

"I didn't want to witness any of that, but I did!  I don't want any of you to have to go through that okay!?  He's...he's gone and he's not something you need to see.  He's-"

That's when I finally realize tears are flowing from my eyes. I quickly turn around and try to collect myself.

"I'll let you know when he's in the ground. Prepare what you want to say or do, make a gravestone, and please stay away until he is completely buried."

I try to walk away, but my body won't let me.  Is it fear of seeing him again?  Fear of doing something drastic?  Fear of losing my friends, my family?  It's probably all three, but I only care about the last one.

"I'm sorry....I love you all.  I hope you know that."

I quickly walk away before anyone is able to say anything, and hurry to the grave to put Tenn to rest. 

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Once I finished burying Tenn, I let everyone know that we could have the funeral by waving towards people by the campfire.  I'm too nervous to speak to anyone right now, so I sit under the tree near the grave and wait.

Eventually everyone comes over, and gathers around the grave.  I make awkward eye contact with a few people, which leads me to focusing on the gravestone.  It feels like none of us is mad, but we don't know what to say to fix what's been done.

Everyone begins to say their goodbyes to Tenn.  Louis left a drawing that Tenn drew him, Aj left his toy fireman that Tenn loved, and Ruby laid a set of flowers she picked from the greenhouse.  The others all said what they wanted to say to Tenn, but I couldn't focus on what was said.  All that I could think of was Tenn gasping for air before he was ripped apart.

Suddenly, a body collides with my side and leans against me.  I quickly get out of my thoughts and turn to see Clementine.  How did she get here?

"Clem, what are you doing here?  I thought you were stuck in bed?"

Clem smiled and grabbed my hand.  "Aj told me we were gonna have a funeral for Tenn, so I made sure to get out of bed for this."

I smile too and look at the gravestone.  A frown soon returns to my face.  "He and the others also told me about what happen.  You really scared them babe."

Damnit, I knew I'd lose them.  Now they'll see me as another Marlon.  A kid who is a danger to everyone.

"They're really worried about you Y/N.  They care about you, and don't want anything to happen to you."

I look away at the gravestone and turn to Clem.  "They...they don't hate me?"

"Of course not Y/N."

Everyone is now gathered around me, and is trying to make me feel better.

"You've done so much for this group, more then anyone has ever done possibly.  You don't need to deal with....our problems on your own.  We're supposed to go through these pains together, and heal together."

Violet is right, but part of me can't accept that.  These kids...they're all I have.  They shouldn't have to deal with these nightmares.

"I know....it's just hard for me to accept that.  I don't want any of you to go through anymore pain."

Clem lets go of my hand and looks me directly in the eyes.  "But it's okay for you?"

"No it isn't.  I just...want to make sure you're all okay.  But....that doesn't mean I don't need someone to make sure I'm alright."

I look back at the grave and shake my head.  "I'm sorry about everything guys.  This is supposed to be about Tenn, and...I'm just causing a distraction to everything."

Everyone starts to speak up and defend what has been done.  They all begin to gather around me and offer comfort through physical contact, which I don't resist.  It's something I truly need right now.

I stand up and walk over to the grave to say goodbye to Tenn.  Tears already start to flow and I struggle to find the words I want to say.

"Tenn...I'm sorry.  They say its not my fault, but I let you done buddy.  I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for it.  I'll have our family here to help me, but....I just wish you were here.  Hopefully wherever you are is just like you described it.  No more monsters, just people being how they were.  Hopefully I'll see it with you....until then Tenn."

I turn to the others who all come to comfort me instantly.  Some are crying, some are fighting back tears, but I know they're all here.  Supporting me.

Maybe I will get through this. My eyes close, and I think of the knife I put through Tenn's head.  My grip with the others grows stronger, and with it so does the pain I feel inside.