Bite Me || Eric Coulter Fanfic - Divergent

17. The rest

Opening my eyes required the energy equivalent of climbing fifty flights of stairs. This was the first sign that today was not going to be easy. Nevertheless, I opened them eventually but my vision was terribly blurred. For the time being, all I could see was the white ceiling of what I assumed is the infirmary.

Everything felt heavy. My arms and legs were leaden and even breathing was difficult. For a moment, I panicked; I had never felt so trapped before.

"Woah Iris, calm down" I suddenly hear a deep voice say from my left. It takes a lot of effort but I turn and see Eric, eyes slightly widened and concerned. That's when I realized I had been breathing too quickly and my chest was rapidly rising and falling.

"Take a deep breath, okay? " he said, taking an exaggerated deep breath to demonstrate while looking at me unwaveringly.

"Good. That's it" he said when my breathing eventually slowed down.

For a moment, we just looked at each other.

"What's wrong with your face?" I said before I could help it. On a normal person, Eric's facial expression would have been called a smile, but Eric isn't normal so he couldn't be smiling, could he? Smiling looked good on him though and I immediately regretted saying anything because his smile faded a little bit, hurt flashing in his eyes.

"What's wrong with yours?" he said with a smug smirk, seemingly recovering quickly. I assumed he was referring to the multiple cuts and bruises that must be decorating my face.

"Oh you know, some asshole decided it would be fun to put four people in a fighting ring together." I said as sarcastically as possible.

I expected him to brush off my comment with his own dose of sarcasm or just laugh but he suddenly looked sullen; head bent down and one of his hands brushing the back of his neck while the other was in a tightly clenched fist.

"Look Iris" he started hesitantly. "I'm sorry about the fight, I shouldn't have taken out my anger on you." he said, looking ashamed of himself. This wasn't the 'Big Bad Scary Leader' everyone knows, this was a man who admitted to doing something wrong, even though it's hard for him. He seemed almost vulnerable; not because he was physically weak, but because he's taught that anything other than anger and cruelty is weakness. It reminded me of that night on the roof.

"Why were you angry?" I asked, hoping it sounded gentle. The truth was that I was angry too. I couldn't understand what I did wrong or why he always seemed to target me during his outbursts. But mostly, I was angry at myself for wanting to trust him, especially after that night.

There was a moment's silence where Eric looked deep in thought as if debating whether to say what was on his mind or not.

Please do. I thought. I really needed him to tell me the truth this time because his mood swings and constant identity crises were exhausting. It was as if hot air was slowly engulfing us since I got here and it was threatening to suffocate us, making us both so irritable when we were together.

After another silent moment, Eric looked up and locked eyes with me. There was resolution in his gaze.

"Do you really hate me that much?" he said bitterly. I was shocked to hear those words, so much so that I couldn't process them immediately so I just stared at him and noticed how there was pain in his eyes. Where was this coming from? Was that really what he thought?

"I should be asking you that question" I said. Two can play the guilt game. "What have I done to make you despise me so much?" I asked, unintentionally raising my voice a bit.

Surprise flickered in his eyes, but only for a few moments. Then, it seemed that it dawned on him how aggressive he's been towards me. At the same time though he looked beyond frustrated and I'm sure my expression mirrored his.

"I can't figure you out" he said, raising his voice as well. It seemed that this was the moment that the hot air became too much for us to handle and we were finally blowing up.

"You're always so happy, smiling at everyone" he said with an accusatory look. "Everyone but me"

"How can you just assume I'm happy all the time?" I said exasperated. "Especially after everything you've put me through. Do you know how difficult it is to deal with your mood swings?" I was nearly shouting at this point.

"Is that why the thought of getting closer to me is so appalling to you?" He said looking so unbelievably angry. Was it all directed at me?

But then I realized what he just said and I was taken aback.

"What are you talking about?" I asked cautiously and then I realized that he didn't actually look angry at me but at himself. What emotional burden was he carrying?

Eric hesitated momentarily and then sighed.

"I heard you yesterday in the training room. You told those two women that nothing could ever happen between us. Do you find me that disgusting? You don't even know me" he said and his eyes held so much intensity.

"Exactly! I don't know anything about you other than that you're angry all the time. But I don't find you disgusting. Not at all" I said, my voice becoming gentler at the end. I felt guilty that I had given him that impression. Maybe he was used to people finding him appalling. After all those years of people trying to make me think I'm weak, I understood how easy it was to expect everyone to immediately assume that you are what you've always been told you are. I didn't want to do that to Eric.

"I don't know you, Eric. That doesn't automatically mean I despise you though. But you have to understand all you've shown me so far is anger. I want to see the rest." I said honestly.

Eric's eyes widened and his lips parted just a little bit. Not that I was staring or anything.

He looked completely taken aback and for some reason that caused a little sadness to creep into my heart.

"I don't" Eric started saying, hesitating slightly "I don't hate you, Iris. I think you're incredibly frustrating at times but I definitely don't hate you" he said, chuckling slightly.

"Oh I'm sorry, I stopped paying attention after you called me Iris instead of initiate" I said playfully, feigning confusion.

"See? Frustrating" he said, unable to control his laughter.