Storms {z.m.}

Epilogue

Epilogue - Zayn

"It's great to have you back, mate. Digging the ponytail," Louis says once we settle into our table at a private corner cafe inside the heart of Camden. I haven't seen him for a few months now, and by the looks of it he hasn't picked up a razor since. His beard is thicker than I've ever seen it. He's definitely got me beat, I think as I rub my chin. I shaved last night but I can already feel the stubble growing.

"Cheers. It's great to be back," I tell him as I look around. I've only been back in London for a couple of days and I didn't realize how much I missed it until now. The way the air smells so ancient and wise, the way the buildings seem to loom over you, casting no shadow due to the perpetually overcast skies.

"So tell me, lad. What have you done since the last time I saw you in New York?" he asks grabbing the small menu from the table between us. We're sat right next to a window and the gloomy grey light of the English sky is radiating warmly, as if welcoming me back.

It's been almost a year since I was last in London. After everything that went down the night of my wedding, I just couldn't handle being in this city or anywhere near it. Mine and Perrie's honeymoon was already paid for, so I went on it; I brought my Mum and little sisters along as well. I had prepared an itinerary of all of Perrie's favorite places, and having to visit those without her was excruciatingly painful. Specially considering I expected to be with her, newly married, when we visited all of these places. Instead, I was without Perrie, without Crissy, and trying not to feel alone even when I was the people I loved most.

When we went to Disneyland in Paris, I didn't get on any of the rides. It's Perrie's favorite place on earth and whenever we went she always managed to get me on the roller coasters even when I'm deathly afraid of them. Without her there, I just sat on a bench next to the cue with my hoodie pulled low and my hands furrowed in my pockets as my family rode ride after ride.

"This is the happiest place on Earth, you know?" Safaa told me as my mum and Liya were getting on a ride that she wasn't quite tall enough to ride.

"That's what they say, innit?" I replied.

"Why aren't you happy?" she asked. It's hard to explain to someone her age exactly what happened at my wedding a week ago. Even if I could explain it, I wouldn't want to. It was painful enough living it once.

"Because there's someone I love very much that should be here," I said, doing my best to explain the hole inside my heart.

"Perrie or Christine?" she asked. Her big eyes stared up at me innocently, as if she hadn't just called into question the reason I haven't been able to sleep or eat for the past week. I didn't answer.

"Oh, you know. Just traveling and trying to write this album, man," I say as I pretend to look at the menu. I always feel strange talking about my solo projects with the lads from the band. I feel as if I'd betrayed them.

"That's fantastic! I'm glad you're finally getting the ball rolling on that. I'm sure it's going to be great, mate," he says. When I look at him he looks genuinely excited for me. I know that me leaving the band put everyone in a really tough spot; we lost a lot of money and the label was extremely upset at us. They got to feel all of the heat from it, though. I was gone and tossed my phone out a few days into the first stop of the "honeymoon." Still, I'm glad this hiccup didn't affect my relationship with the lads.

"Yeah, we ought to do some writing together. Fly out to New York and you can stay at my place again. We'll have a proper good time," I say as I remember the last time Louis came to visit me in my new home. I was supposed to come spend some time with him in London; I thought I was finally strong enough to come back. But I was wrong. I got on the plane in New York, but right before it took off I had to get out. It was embarrassing to admit to him that I had lost my nerve, but he was extremely understanding. He hopped on the next flight to New York City and stayed at my place for two weeks instead.