Jake Peralta - A Sad B99 Story

chapter 8

Jake's pov

When I occasionally get to have a nap they go down quite well, one of the only good things about me. So no surprise when I had a perfect nap. I woke up around lunch time but had no desire to eat. I already had that toast this morning, that's enough food to sustain a grown adult, right?

I willed myself to get out of the comfort of the bed and walked into the kitchen when the memories of earlier flood my mind. That was so embarrassing, I should just kill myself and save everyone the trouble of dealing with me. No one would come to my funeral so why plan one, Amy could spend the money on something better than her worthless, good-for-nothing husband.

A soft pat on the back pulled me from my suicidal thoughts, making me jump and turn around to see Charles's face smiling back at me. "Hey buddy. Good nap?" He said excitedly. "Uh yeah. No nightmares so that's a plus I guess." I said looking at the floor. "That's great!" Charles's smile somehow grew bigger than it already was. "I told captain holt," My stomach dropped. What did he say? Did he say anything about my cuts? Did he say about my panic attacks? About my dad? "Hey, I can see you're panicking. I just said that you're going through a rough time so you're staying with me and that you might not be into work for the next few days. I also said not to ask you what's going on, that you'll go to him if you feel like it."

I didnt think about telling Holt. But it kinda sounds like a cool idea. But he might fire me. Yeah... no. Jake bad idea. Terrible horrible idea.

"What ya thinking Jakey?" Charles asked, clearly noticing my anxiety. "I'll just get fired for being 'unstable' and I'll be unemployed and Amy will leave me." I said quickly. Charles's face went from concerned to understanding. "No, no, no. Jake. It'll all be oki doki! I promise that and if hes mean to you then I'll show him who's boss." He gave me a reassuring smile. "But Charles, he is your boss and you're not exactly intimidating, are you?" I laughed at the image if my best friend trying to tackle Holt. God it feels good to laugh.

"How about lunch, huh?" I shook my head with a grimace as the mention of food made my stomach turn. "Are you sure. I'm bot going to push you to eat all of it but you do have to eat, you've only eaten half a slice of toast today. We can order in whatever you like." I huffed. "I'm not going to be able to argue myself out of this am I?" I said with a small smile. "Absolutely not!" Charles sent an even bugger one back. "Right, so we're gonna have lunch and then we're gonna speak to Capt Holt?" He asked pleading, however I'm very unsure of this but oh well. If it all goes wrong, which is inevitable, I'll just jump, if ya know what I mean.

Charles got me a Macdonald's happy meal delivered because I dont think I could have finished a whole ass burger, plus I wanted the toy. Charles got squid testicles or something. I felt a bit uneasy eating in front of him again bit it's not like hea gonna let me eat in another room. I ate my chicken nuggets slowly, leaving only one left and half the fries left.

"Look at that! You at like half of it! That's so good, jakey. I'm so proud!" I looked to the floor, feeling the opposite. "Yeah, I'm not. Charles I wanna get better and not feel guilty after eating. I wanna throw it up but I dont want to give up, ya know?" He looked at me and put a soft hand on my back. "I know Jake, but its good that you want to get better. How bout we go and chat with Holt. Or if that seems like too much then we can do something else to get your mind of throwing up." Holt does seem like it would be intense but I can tell that Charles just wants me to get it over and done with and I dont wanna be an inconvenience. "Let's go to Holt." Charles sent him a text saying that were on our way and we left the comfort and safety of Charles's home.

We got in the car and drive off. I was trying to think of anything but the conversation we are about to have but my mind kept finding it's way to the inevitable unemployment I'm facing.

You should cut

The thought doesnt seems so bad... No! I can't keep doing this. I need to tell Charles, I thought

"Charles," I said quietly. "Yeah what's up buddy?" He said happily. I get really jealous of people who are just so happy all the time, like why do you have to have all the happy? Cant you just share it? But then I thought that's exactly what Charles is trying to do.

"Urges." I said as little as possible to focus on not cutting. I had my keys in my pocket, if I scratch hard enough then it should be enough right? "To do what bud?" His voice was sprinkled with worry. "Cut." I put my hands on my legs to try and ease the slight tremor they held. "Do you need me to pull over?" Concern shone through his worried brown eyes.
"No. Keep going. Just thought I should tell you. Please dont be mad."

The car stopped in the precinct car park and Charles turned to me, stared at me for a second, before pulling me into a hug. "I could never be mad at you for that. I am so proud of you for telling me. Now, let's get going, maybe we can watch die hard later." He shot me a smile while we both got out the car.

We made our way to the lift when the worries and anxieties started to scream. My breathe hitched. Oh shit. Panic attack.

Charles's pov

I heard Jake's breathing get shallow but thought nothing of it, must be him getting anxious or something. "Charles? Pa-panic I'm h-havin-ng a p-p-panic a-ttack!" Oh. I pushed the stop button in the lift because I know that he wouldn't want loads of people staring at him. Jake braced himself on the walls of the lift incase his legs gave out, and they did just that. I caught him and we slowly lowered down to the floor. My hand slowly, as to not startle him  went to his back just to ground him. "You're ok, you're safe. Breathe with me. In, and out. In, and out. Perfect, Jake, you're doing so well." His breathing didnt seem to stop and his shaking only seemed to intensify.

I sat there with jake and talked him through breathing when he seemed to calm down a bit. "S-sorry." He keeps apologising but he just doesnt need to. "Theres no need to be sorry, jake. Let's sit here for just a little longer so we can calm down, yeah?" He simply nodded and rested his head in the crook of my neck. After 10 minutes or so the shaking and hyperventilating subsided and we were ready to go again.

The lift doors opened and noise hit us like a tsunami. I looked over at Jake and had his head up just like his usual self, waving and cracking jokes. It made me wonder how many times hes panicked in that lift and walked out like nothing happened. Maybe that's why hes always late.

We finally reached Captain's door after many "hello"s and "how ya doin'"s. I noticed Jake's panic ridden face so I reminded him to take a deep breath and we went in together.