Jake Peralta - A Sad B99 Story

Chapter 5

A/N right lads. Sorry it's been a hot second since I've posted but I'm making up for it in length and sadness. Grab tissues coz shes A N G S T Y. Love you all

Extra trigger warning. Child abuse, bullying, self harm, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks, depression, and weird ass pizza

Charles POV

I was re-drawing me and Genevieve's joint tombstone when I noticed Jake had nodded off on his desk, he looked so adorable so I just HAD to get a picture! I let him sleep because he looked like he hadn't slept in ages. I turned back to my drawing.

The flowers were very hard to draw, they had to be right. But something broke my concentration. It was Jake, he was muttering in his sleep, twitching. I walked up to him to investigate what was causing this and I concluded that Jake was probably having a nightmare. He was sweating and I think he was crying too!

"Jake, wake up. It was just a dream. Jake come on buddy, it's ok you're safe. Jake. Jake!" He shot up with his eyes wide looking around everywhere trying to catch his breath. He looked like a lost puppy trying to find his mama. "Jake it's ok, your here with me, I've got you. You're safe." I held him as I comforted him like I would my own son, Nikolaj. "I'm sorry Charles. I'm so sorry. It was my dad and he was there and it hurt. Like I was kid. I couldn't breathe and he hurt me and I camt breathe now. Charles I can't breathe. Charles!" He started hyperventilating as if there was no oxygen around him. His hands were shaking and his face looked petrified. Somethings going on that hes not telling me.

"Ok, ok. Breathe with me Jakey. In and out, in and out." I exaggerated my breathing so he could copy but it just wasn't working. I pulled him into my arms and stroked his back letting him know that he is safe. He tried to mumble apologies but I just cut him off saying that theres nothing to be sorry about. We sat there for a while until he was calm enough to tell me what set him off.

"Jakey, what happened?" I asked calmly. "Panic attack." He looked so ashamed of himself. "Oh, ok. Dont worry though Jake. It's fine you don't have to worry, I'm here to help you." He looked up at me with hopeful eyes, despite the tears.

"Is all of this why you've been acting distant recently?" I asked soothingly. He just stared off into the distance so I took that as a yes. "Is there anything else that has been bothering you. You know that you can talk to me, Jakey." He breathed in deeply and nodded, looking down at his hands. "Do you want to tell me now or calm down first? It's all up to you." Jake glanced up at me with his chocolate brown eyes all red and puffy. God, he looks so sad it breaks my heart. I dont want my Jakey to be sad, he is amazing, no one this great should be as sad as he is right now.

"C-can we go s-some-w-where more priv-ate?" He choked out looking at the lift. "I d-dont want people hearing and thinking I'm w-weird." I pulled him into my arms, one hand on his shoulder and the other stroking his hair. "Of course we can Jake!" I said happily trying to brighten up the mood but I'm also very happy that he decided to open up to me now.

We stand up and walk to lift and press the botton, once it arrived we get in. "Where do you wanna go?" I asked "Sals. We can sit in the corner booth." He says flatly as if trying not to show any emotion.

Time skip brought to you by Bald Martin

We're sat in the exact booth that Jake wanted to sit in and we ordered a large pizza with pepperoni and gummy bears but jake doesnt seem to want to eat it. Odd it's his favourite.

"How comes you're not eating?" I question. "I'm hungry but I dont really want to eat." He looked down at the pizza as if willing himself to eat it but he wasnt quite strong enough. "Ok, that's fine. Can you tell me what's going on?" I asked. He nodded

"I- I," He took a deep breath in. "I've been doing bad things, Charles. But I cant help it. It feels so nice, to feel something, even if its pain. And I know it's stupid and dumb and I hate myself for it but I cant stop. Everytime I try to stop doing it I break down and it happens again." Tears form in his eyes but he doesnt fight them, they just spill. What is he doing to himself? "What are you doing Jake?" I say worriedly. "I...umm...I c-cut myself. I do it almost every day. Sometimes twice a day. But it stops the thoughts, makes them go away. Sometimes I feel like I cant breathe so I do it and I feel ok again. Normal. But then the guilt builds up and I have to do it again and again. Charles, it's gotten out of hand. I cant hide it from Amy anymore. I haven't slept in 5 days. I've just been awake in the bathroom having panic attack after panic attack and cutting myself like a gazillion times." A small sob escapes him mouth and he fiddles with his sleeves.  Why would he do this to himself? Why wouldn't he just ask for help? Why didnt he speak up? So many questions form in my head bit I push then away for now, Jake needs me to listen to him so that's what I need to do. I can ask him questions later. I wish he could be happy.

"I do it on my arms, that's why I wear long sleeves. I just want to normal. I hate being a freak. At school I was bullied, kicked and punched and all that. You'd think that would be it though, that I'd get home and be fine, but no. My D-dad. He would hit me. Punch and kick me. Just like the bullies but it was just so much worse because he was bigger than them. He'd tell me that I'm stupid, fat, ugly, worthless, a waste of space, that I ruined his relationship with mum. He'd shout at me so much that I believed him, how can a dad be wrong. Dads know everything. I would beg him to stop but he wouldn't listen. He would just shout and scream at me. But one day that wasnt enough. One day he pulled out a knife. I remember how it went in my stomach and how the blood flowed from the hole. Like how the blood pours from my arms."

He stopped to let out a few sobs, this was obviously hard for him. Tears started to fall from me own eyes. His dad tried to kill him! I swear to god I am not a violent person but I will give him a huge wedgy that he will split in half. I am going to find him and make sure he is in jail. How did no one know about Jake? I was pulled out of my trance when Jake opened his mouth to continue speaking.

"I dont want to be alive anymore. I went on that case where that kid killed himself and I-I thought he was brave. He went though with it. I have tried, tried to end it. But it never works, I just end up waking up on the cold bathroom floor the next day. I didnt want to tell anyone all of this because you would hate me and leave me like dad did. You would all think I'm a freak, that I'm not strong enough to deal with my emotions. And you would be right, I'm weak. I'm so sorry Charles." He covered his face with his hands and started shaking. I got up to sit next to him and I put my arm around him, letting him know that I'm there. "Jakey, I'm so sorry I never knew. Do you think you can show me your arms, you know, so I can see if you need stitches." He nodded and put his arms out slightly so I can look. God his arms look awful. How could i not notice? I'm such an awful best friend. "Its gonna be ok. Your coming to my house and were gonna have a sleepover so I know you're safe and getting some sleep." He looked up at me and smiled slightly. "Thankyou, Charles." I pulled him into a tight hug, put the untouched pizza in a takeaway and walked home with my broken best bud