fingers crossed

the sky is on fire

Ayesha Johri
5:40 p.m.
Wednesday

I still do not believe my fate. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to call it a date but then again, it feels nothing less than one. Right now, I am more nervous than I was before performing on the stage for the first time.

the evening looks like a little lamp, shining and guiding and helping me navigate through the infant emotions. there's a street light, a source of light, it looks like a star in a starless sky. and the presence of stars assure me of a thought, that, as long as the stars continue to sparkle and shine, my friends will continue to remain with me, always, through thick and thin. i do not know how i will come out to them, but I know they will believe me and love me the same. the corners of the buildings around this park are visible and they probably signify all the mysteries my palms hold. i think the warmth from the rays that are now about to rest provide strength to me. the trees look like they're swaying and are happy at this moment. like me. this moment is nothing short of infinite. i will remember this moment forever: the waiting, the anticipation, the relaxation. and, as they say, we remember the moments and not the days.

But, I don't even know if she is single. Or into girls. Her Instagram account only had poetry and some of her pictures. I could gather nothing of her personal life. What hit me and I wrote that note and left it here? I have no idea. I do not understand what went through me. Anyhow, I feel at peace. It feels like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders. There's still 10 minutes to six, that means, 10 minutes till she arrives and I do not know how to keep calm. The best thing to do right now is to be brave and so I think I'll spend the next 10 minutes listening to brave by Sara Bareilles.

🎶 honestly I wanna see you be brave 🎶

She walked in & my heart started beating differently. I think I completely understand the hype around love at first sight.

"hey, hii. My name is Alisha." pause. "Good to meet you."
I officially admit I do not know how to react. If she's anything like me, she will probably get to know that i am extremely nervous about this exchange. I should react.
"hi, I just realised I never told you my name. I'm Ayesha Johri." alright. I did not fumble, good. Just be cool.
"hi ayesha, I'm really proud of you for coming out. It's a beautiful thing, really." her words felt more like a song lyric than anything.
"Thank you. Took me a lot of time to figure it out! Also, good to meet you too."
she smiled. I gestured for her to sit beside me, on the bench. she rightfully did. I could feel a massive number of butterflies swimming in my intestines, her presence is magic. On the outside, I'm sitting stiffly on the bench but on the inside, my entire body is going haywire. My heart is pounding so hard I'm worried Alisha will notice it burst right through my ribcage.
After 50 whole seconds of my heart beating differently, she says, "So.." she takes a big breath, holds it, and let's it all out, "are you single?"
I nod, and ask if she is single or not.
"Yeah, yeah. I am. I had to break up with my boyfriend a few months ago. He was being ridiculous and extremely insensitive towards my feelings."
With that, I could hear my heart shattering into pieces. She had a boyfriend????? Why. WHY. My heart collected the shattered parts, because on a second thought, she might be bisexual, like me. But, look at her. Look at this Wednesday. What are the odds that this beautiful girl sitting beside me is also bisexual? And even if she is, what are the odds that this poetry enthusiast will even be interested in a girl like me? I can only keep my fingers crossed.
"You could tell me. Whatever he said or did." I offered.
"When I came out to him as bi, he" she paused, to look at me, and then she nodded, and continued "he was glad and told me how it was great that I could come out to him and all that. But then, after a few days, he started being distant. Talked less, avoided plans to meet and basically ignored me. On confronting him about it, he tells me that he's doing it because he does not want to be hurt by me. According to him, our break-up is inevitable because some girl will arrive and make my insides melt. He told me how every other girl has something to give that he cannot. I get where that's coming from, but I couldn't really take all that. He didn't even try and understand my point when I told him how there are also other boys who can give me something he cannot. However, in a relationship, it is never about something a partner can't provide, it's always about what they are willing to. He never paid attention to any of it. The whole confronting scenario was an account of extreme biphobia. He said he's fine with our relationship but he's worried I will run away with a girl. He couldn't trust me. I had to dump him. I still don't know if the break-up was worse for him or me. Lol."
She's bisexual. And single. Fuck.
"oh, okay. Sorry for the whole thing. I don't really know what to say. He sounds like a jerk." I tell her, and I mean it.
"ahahaha, yes, he totally was."

Then, just like that, she's looking at me, and I'm looking at her. The world narrows down to just us, and I ask her, "What happens now?" As if I don't know.
"this."
and then, just like that, she's leaning into me, she halts, "may i?" I nod. Fiercely.
In no time, her lips are on mine and our bodies are merging into one. Her lips are beyond what I ever imagined. The kissing is so soft. I understand what people mean when they say kissing makes them go weak in the knees. I am losing my balance, everything around me feels less trivial, everything feels like it can wait. The sky feels like it's on fire, conspiring against every other force that wants to break us apart.

I don't want her to stop kissing me.