So Close (a James Hetfield story)

Chapter 44

Instead of heading across the Bay Bridge to San Francisco, James steered the car into Berkeley, and twenty minutes later we were parked in front of our old apartment. He turned off the car and silence settled over us as we stared at our former home. The building looked to have been repainted recently, but other than that, nothing had changed.

"I kept the place for a long time," he spoke up quietly. "I kept payin' the rent on it, long after you'd left; and even though I was tourin' so much and barely there, I couldn't stand to let it go. When Cliff told me you'd moved out, I came back. I remember the first time I walked in and I...I opened the door, and for like a half second, I was convinced you were there and would come runnin' into my arms. The house had never felt as empty as the moment it really hit me that you weren't comin' back." He took a shaky breath and I turned to look at him, tears in my eyes. "I walked into every room and I could feel you everywhere. Every room was a memory of what we'd had...and a reminder of what I'd lost. I sat down on the couch and cried so hard, I thought I was gonna puke."

"I'm sorry Jamie."

He shook his head quickly. "No Lei, don't say that. I brought it all on myself."

I wiped a tear from my cheek. "You know Jamie, all this time I thought I was the only one in pain, the only one who was devastated by what happened to us. But...but I see now that you were going through it too. We both grieved what we lost, even if we were looking at it through different lenses."

We were quiet for a few minutes as memories washed over us both.

"So, what...what made you finally leave?"

He grimaced at my question.

"The ghosts...of us...of you. At first this place was my connection to what we had, but...after a while it just became too much, I was drownin' in pain and guilt. I hated leavin', but I couldn't let you go when I was livin' in our home."

"Our home," I repeated quietly, my eyes drawn back to the two-story building. "We were so happy here." I stopped then. "At least, I thought we were happy."

"We were, it was the happiest time of my life. That part was true, despite how things turned out."

I turned to look at James. "Why didn't I see it? Why didn't I guess at what you were doing?"

"Leila, this wasn't yer fault."

"I'm not saying it was, but...I knew there was something more going on, more than what you were telling me at the time. Why didn't I push harder to get you to be honest with me?"

"I wouldn't have been...honest I mean. I wanted so bad to tell ya—so many times—but I was set on this path and I wasn't gonna stop 'til you were away from me." He stopped suddenly and shook his head as he gave a humorless laugh. "Fuck, it sounds so fuckin' stupid when I say it now. I thought I knew everything; I was so fuckin' sure I knew what was best for you...but now all I can think about is how much time I wasted by bein' scared." He reached out and gripped the steering wheel tight. "I can't believe how bad I fucked up by hurtin' you like that Lei. Somehow, even after all the times you showed me how much you loved me, somehow I still thought...I still thought you'd get over me, you'd find a better life and never give me a second thought." His voice cracked and he stopped and took a deep shuddering breath. "I'm sorry Leila." He turned to look at me then and his eyes were glassy. "I'm sorry for ever thinkin' that our love meant less to you than it did to me. I'm sorry for not believin' that you needed me as much as I needed you. I realize now, that breakin' yer heart was the worst thing I coulda done...to either of us. I'm sorry for fuckin' up so bad. I need you to know how...how sorry I am."

He stopped short and took another deep breath. I caught the shimmer of a tear as it worked down his face and without another thought, I was unbuckling my seatbelt and throwing my arms around him. He stiffened in surprise before quickly wrapping his arms around me and dragging me onto his lap.