Rainbow

My name is Rayner. I didn't fear anything. I didn't lack anything. I was perfect.

I had nothing to lose. Nothing moved me. I didn't care for anything but myself. I kept to myself and was perfect in my corner. I had no fear of losing anything precious.

Right up until you came along.

I still remember that day. And the days that came before and after.

You tripped as soon as you entered the class. Everyone started laughing. You had a goofy smile on your face. I looked away as soon as I had looked.

The only seat left was beside me. I had no choice.

You tried speaking to me. I didn't respond. But you seemed so cheerful. And........pure. So much so that I eventually gave you my name.

You seemed so happy at that. So annoyingly happy. So beautifully happy.

The bell rang and on our own ways we went.

I couldn't stop thinking about you. That smile. That bounce in your step. That happiness. What's happening to me? I thought. I slapped some awareness into myself and tried not to think about it. Just how miserably I failed.

Come the next day and there you were, sitting beside me. Despite having made friends, beside whom you could've sat. I asked you about it. You simply said, 'You're my friend too.' Never had I been called someone's friend. Something strange was happening to me.

You were like the sun. you never seemed to dim. Day after day, no matter what, you always glowed.

While I stayed as dark as the other side of the moon. How does she do it? I wondered. And one day, I asked you about it.

'It's not hard. At all. I just see the rainbow, not the rain,' you said, giving me the warmest smile I had ever seen. I couldn't stop thinking about that. I couldn't stop thinking about your words. About you.

Everything felt different to me. Even my own feelings. I felt so strange. It felt like my whole universe had shifted. And, slowly, you were becoming the centre.

The next day, you, as usual, invited me with your band of friends. I, as usual, was about to refuse.

Everyone steers clear of me unless they need something of me. I'm used to being alone. I think I even liked it. I didn't require anyone and I was......not happy, but okay.

"Rainbow, not the rain." I surprised myself by agreeing.

I still wonder if I did that for you or for myself. The smile you gave me can never be described using the words from our languages. It made me feel good inside, something I had never felt. It made me want to make you smile, all the time. I thought I was going crazy.

That evening, you tried making me happy. And you did. In so many ways. You were with me. You didn't abandon me. You tried to make me smile.

And I couldn't stop. Smiling, that is. 'You would look so much better if you smiled more often. Did you know that?' you had whispered to me.

That small kindness was all I needed. That small kindness has brought me this far. That small kindness.

My heart was beating like crazy. My face felt hot. My face was hurting from how much I was grinning.

I.....fell in love with you. I didn't know what that gut-wrenching, heart-racing feeling was back then. I simply assumed that I had a fever and it would die down soon.

Only one of those things was true. Love is a fever but it never dies.

You made me feel so much better than I had been. You cared for me in a way that nobody had. How could I not have fallen for you?

One day, when my heart had had too much, I asked you what I was feeling.

'That's love, dummy,' you replied, flicking my forehead in that way that you always did.

'How do you know?' I asked you.

'Because I feel the same way around you too,' you said and kissed me. It was only for a moment. But in that moment, I could feel everything. Love, heartbreak, worry, sorrow, joy, everything.

Even the pain. The agony I imagined I would feel when you learned everything there is to me. The hurt I would feel when you would leave me. But I let it go. I let that thought slip away like the breeze on a summer evening, before I could hold onto it and ruin what was blooming between us. The rainbow, not the rain, right? I had my rainbow. I didn't need to look at the rain.

You were my rainbow. You were the rainbow to my rain.

You were the hand that drew me out of the spiral. You were the light that filled my dark heart. You were my salvation.

You were everything for me. You had slithered into my heart long before I realized it. I couldn't wait to see what you would do to me. I felt so much better around you. I forgot that I had ever felt hurt. I forgot that I could. I forgot that I had once been irreparable. That I had ever been broken.

I loved you so much that it hurt. I didn't know much then, but I did know this:

I am Rayner. I'm afraid that one day will come when you leave me. My heart will shatter into a million pieces that day. I am imperfect. The things that I might lose are you and my soul. And I'm so scared of that. I don't care for anything except you. I go wherever you go. Even to my own demise. I am nothing without you. You are the only precious thing I have.

My only fear is that I'll lose you and my only request is that when you learn what I am, please don't run away from me without even a word. Let my heart down gently, if you can, for I don't know what will happen to me if you don't.

And even though I know this, even though I am afraid to even contemplate this idea, I know that my love will never fade.

I am Rayner. And you are the only thing that matter. My own rainbow.