Until Perfect Lasts (ShivIka)

Chapter 5

Chapter 5

I stood in front of the familiar tall, black gate in which second grill from the right will have my name etched. It was something my mother insisted me and my brother do before we left home for good. I rubbed the spot where I know the name is, but couldn't see because 1 AM on moonless night is barely time to find old cravings.

My childhood home felt nostalgically familiar that even in spite of the darkness and bushes and trees covering it, I could feel the warm welcome.

I should have reached here around dinner to surprise Nidhi. I had pulled all contacts inside office, asked all kinds of favours and relieved myself from the project for couple of days to come here today. I know could have done it last week. It would have avoided unnecessary fights and turmoil. I don't know why I didn't try harder. Maybe I wanted Shivay and my family to be upset with me. It was better to miff them with absence than with presence. It will at least save my peace of mind. Well, that is what I thought until I realized that them going away without me was also equally disturbing.

I can mentally picture my therapist perching his specs on her nose and narrowing her eyes at me. 'What do you want?'

'I don't know.' I will give her the usual reply.

Even as I boarded the last flight, caught uber in this ghostly hour to come here, all I could think was that I don't know if this is what I want, but I am going to do this, because it feels better to be miserable with them than without them.

As I shifted between my feet standing in front of what will always remain my first home, I dialled Shivay's number. Soon realizing that I would be disturbing the kids if his phone rings, I cut the call and message him that I was standing outside.

'Out? As in here? In Ooty?'

'Yes'

I imagined the way his eyes and mouth turn round every time he is shocked or surprised. A smile automatically touched my lips as I recollected his face from one of the many times when I pulled his cheeks seeing that cute expression.

Foyer lights were on and I saw the door open before Shivay emerged from inside. I have had people ask me if my heart skipped a beat when I first met Shivay. I always laughed and replied 'no'. I was confident I have felt that way. Now, I realize that what I feel at this moment is heart beat skipping, then yes, it has happened many times in presence of my husband, Shivay.

As Shivay approached the main gate with keys dangling in his hand, even the minimal light from bulbs didn't allow me to gauge his expression. I wish I could, though. If I knew what Shivay felt about my sudden visit, I could be prepared. However, what I will prepare myself for is unclear even to me.

As the gate was pushed open, I found myself standing in front of Shivay eye to eye. Standing so close to him, with torch light from my phone still on, I could see surprise in his eyes along with something else that I have not seen in his eyes since long time. I am not able to place a name to it, though.

'Annika' he said my name the same way he did when we first met.

I wanted to say something, anything. But when I opened my mouth, only mist left my mouth.

"You must be cold." His eyes went to my ears even as my one hand touched my right ear to rub heat to it. For some strange reason, my ears felt like ice cubes when I am cold and I had to rub heat into them often.

"Huh." I managed to say.

He wheeled my suitcase inside the house, as I followed him still rubbing my ears.