V I X E N ~ november 15, 2017
we got to tucson at around 6 pm there. it was a hectic connecting flight that had many delays for no reason.
but eventually we got to the venue after taking an uber out fifteen minutes from the airport we landed in.
esha walked inside the venue to go find bexey who told her he was in there. i finally checked my phone for the first time since the flight outside of the bus. i was afraid to go in there and see what was awaiting for me.
i turned off airplane mode and instantly went to my text message.
peepers ♡:
good, i just need u here see u in a bit
peepers ♡:
i am sorry vixen, you're too far away and i can't do this anymore. i want to be everybody's everything. i cant though. i want to make everyone happy and i want everyone to love me but i can't physically do that. i want to let people in and tell them what is wrong but at the same time i don't want to bring anyone else down. i get really happy when ur around but when ur gone it's like my world is collapsing and i can't stand being here on this earth when you're not with me. everything crashes down and i feel like i am so empty. i have no emotions. i don't care. i am numb. i need u and i don't have u right now, i can't do this.
if i knew that was the last text gus would ever send to me in that moment. i think i would have balled my eyes out that i didn't respond earlier.
instead i frantically called 911.
"hello what's your emergency?"
"hi, i am on tour with an artist, and i think he overdosed," i shove open the door to the bus where gus is sitting there knocked out with his mouth hanging open.
my heart shatters as i start to sob, i throw my hand over my mouth.
"Please miss i need someone right now," i sob onto the phone as i rush over to his limb body.
"does he have a pulse, we are sending someone right now. it is going to be okay, where are you right now?"
"i am behind the music venue the rock in a tour bus, he doesn't have a pulse," i can't help but cry.
"Okay, would you like me to stay on the line?"
"no," i hang up and sob into gus' cold limp chest.
i can't breathe. my heart isn't in my chest. i don't know what else to do but soak through his shirt with my tears.
i was broken, what was the point in living.
the cops came causing everyone in the venue to rush outside to see what was happening.
esha caught me instantly and pulled me into her arms as the cop walked out of the bus.
the cop walked over to me as i sobbed loudly in esha's arms.
"i am so sorry for your loss, he is unfortunately unresponsive and has passed away," the cop offers me a tissue but i feel my neck close and i just want to scream.
"they're go-"
"can you please tell someone else this?" esha says as she pulls me tighter into her chest.
i hear him walk away but i refuse to look out of esha's test, i refuse to look at the pale, dead gus. i refuse to believe he's gone.
i push out of esha and run inside to the venue.
i dial the number.
in a few seconds, liza answers the phone.
my mascara is staining my face.
"oh no, sweetheart what's wrong?" she gives me a warm smile.
"l-li-liz-li-" i sob some more.
"take some deep breaths vixie, it's going to be okay, explain what's wrong darling," i breath for a second and in one breath tell her.
"gus has died," i look at the facetime screen to see her face drop.
"o-" her sobs sync with mine.
"what happened vixen?" she says through sobs.
i looked at the time, it was 1 am. i had really been out there crying for that long. liza looks exhausted but i needed her right now, she was the only part of gus i had left now.
"he overdosed," i sob some more.
life was a fucking joke, it took away everyone that meant the world to me. right when it looked like i was going to be fine and like everything was going to be okay the world fucked me over and took it away from me. and now i lost the love of my life.
i stayed on the phone just simply crying with liza for over an hour. i knew this night was going to be sleepless.
esha eventually came to sit with me and let me sob in her shoulder all night long.
everyone gradually joined coming to sit and cry and comfort me. bexey was rubbing my back. fat nick had flown out the second he heard the news to be there for me. smokesac was standing there now as i cried my eyes out with everyone.
eventually everyone got a hotel. esha forced me to go with her into her room, she didn't stay with bexey that night. everyone that had been there had been posting all over their stories about how upset they were and how fucked up the world was.
i couldn't even think about social media, i was just sobbing my eyes out to esha's soft whispers and cries.
why did i deserve this? why did gus have to be taken away.
i finally look at esha. she looks deep in my eyes, sadness pours from hers. i am sure they are streaming from mine.
"gus was an angel, there will never be another gus esha. i can't live without him, i can't find another him," i shake my head.
"we are going to go back to gus' apartment tomorrow. i think you and i should stay there alone for a 2-3 months, i want you to gradually let go of him. we can work from there but i think we need to go back to where he lived," i nod my head and take out my phone.
an hour later we are back at the bus packing all of gus' and my stuff up. i sob as i fold up his clothes and neatly pack them into his suitcase.
i sob when we put them into the car and when we put them in the baggage claim. i sob the whole plane right and the whole uber ride back to his house.
by now i hadn't slept in over a day and the crying hadn't stopped.
