The Sun is Gone

Runaway

Elizabeth's POV

As I watched Kurt walk out the door, I was still in shock. What had I done? I'd been honest, that was it. And now I was terrified. Everything that had just happened felt like a dream. But it was very, overwhelmingly real.

I loved Kurt. I would always love Kurt with my entire heart and soul. Being with him again made me feel alive in ways I hadn't felt in years. Just seeing him again had broken down all the barriers I'd worked so hard to put up for a long time. He would always be my weakness. But here I was, back to the same dilemma as before. He was here, in Seattle, making music with a successful band. And I was in California, earning a degree, and living with my boyfriend, Craig. Craig, who I did love to some capacity. Craig, who I had just cheated on. My heart started sinking.

My emotions had gotten the better of me. I hadn't been thinking with my head at all. I'd just wanted Kurt so badly. I didn't regret what we did, because I loved him so much. That just made me feel like an even worse person altogether.

I crawled into bed and tried to feign looking sick, which wasn't hard considering how nauseated I felt over this whole situation. Craig walked in a moment later.

"Hi Liz," he said softly. "How are you feeling?"

"Oh, not very well at all," I answered. "Maybe I ate something bad earlier."

"Okay, well hopefully you'll feel better tomorrow."

"Yeah, I hope so."

"Alright, well get some rest. I'm going to grab a shower and then I'm coming to bed too."

"Sounds good."

"Okay. Love you, Liz."

"I love you too." I rolled over on my side. I couldn't stop thinking. If I left Craig for Kurt, what would I do? How could I ever make it work? And could I really do that to Craig? He deserved better than that. I was starting to panic. What did Kurt expect from this? Did he think we were back together? God, I was stupid. So stupid.

I was going to end up hurting us both all over again with this mess I'd started. I couldn't leave California until at least the end of the semester when I graduated. And even then, I didn't know if I could uproot my whole life to move to Seattle. I'd have to find a job and everything. I'd be leaving Lisa. She'd be so pissed at me if she knew what I'd just done. I could never tell her. She'd tell Craig in an instant. There was no one I could talk to. No one except Kurt.

Damn it! I would always need him. He would always be my weakness. How was it possible to love another human being so much? Just being around him made me feel so complete. Seeing him smile was everything to me. Laughing with him was so much more joyous than laughing with anyone else. His presence calmed me. There was nowhere I felt better than in his arms. Making love to him was always a perfect, beautiful experience that made any other sex I'd ever had feel meaningless in comparison.

I never, ever thought I'd be the girl who would cheat, and yet here I was. I felt sick, like back all those years ago when I'd resorted to stripping. I felt dirtier than that. I was going to sleep here next to Craig after I'd just fucked Kurt right here in this same bed. What was wrong with me? My mind was reeling.

Craig came to bed and fell asleep shortly after. I always envied his ability to sleep so soundly. Meanwhile, I tossed and turned until I couldn't take it anymore. I needed some fresh air. Being very quiet, I slipped my jeans, shoes and jacket back on. I made sure I had the room key, and I quietly slipped out the door.

The streets were empty this late. I lit a cigarette and started walking in the direction Kurt and I had walked earlier. I chastised myself for still smoking--I'd promised Craig I'd stop--but I couldn't handle everything right now.