~ 𝙧𝙚𝙙𝙙𝙞𝙚 𝙤𝙣𝙚𝙨𝙝𝙤𝙩𝙨 ~

four : nightmares

TW - vivid nightmares, gore and IT2 spoilers (kinda)

The secret side of me, I never let you see
I keep it caged but I can't control it
So stay away from me, the beast is ugly
I feel the rage and I just can't hold it.

Raven hair swayed through the ragged wind as the dead streets creaked and the creepy sewers whispered.

It's scratching on the walls, in the closet, in the halls
It comes awake and I can't control it
Hiding under the bed, in my body, in my head
Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?

He might be free from the clown itself, but his nightmares continue to haunt him.

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster.

He sees it in his sleep, in his room, in his own fucking bed.

I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster

Sometimes he blames himself. He's the only one with the nightmares so maybe it was his fault.

My secret side I keep hid under lock and key
I keep it caged but I can't control it
'Cause if I let him out he'll tear me up, break me down
Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?

No one knows about it, no one talks about it. But he can hear them all mocking him.

He can feel their judgement.

He knows they know.

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster

It's like a disease inside of him. Slowly infecting him as his body decays from the inside out.

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster
I, I feel like a monster

He still sees the bloody grin behind his bulky glasses.

He still sees the claw through his husband's chest.

He can see his glasses stained with the blood in the mirror, never able to rub off the rosy substance no matter how hard he scrubs.

He remembers everything so vividly. It plays on repeat in his mind, over and over. He never sees the end of his husband's pained expression. He never gets the gaping hole out of his mind. He can't lay down without the image of Eddie, bloody and impaled on his lap.

Richie 'Trashmouth' Tozier is still haunted by that stupid fucking clown.

The demon knows it too, he knows how deeply he has scarred, Richie. So much to the point that he's screaming in his sleep, reaching out for his husband desperately.

This happens so much that he's given up on sleeping, so terrified of seeing the love of his life deceased in his arms.

He knows it's not real.

He knows Eddie is alive and well.

He knows the clown is dead.

But Richie can't ever escape what that clown put him through.