A Sort of Diary

Hidden Resentment

June 16, 2020

I hate you.

They say that if you hate someone, it means you care for them.

And I hate you, I really do.

If only I could live without fear of not being able to reach or fulfill my dreams without you, 

I would've left you by now.

If only the only love of my life, the woman who cares most about me, does not hurt if I hurt, 

I would've left you by now.

If only I wasn't alive, I would've prayed for her happiness without you by now.

If only I didn't love you I would've lived my life filled with so much peace because I wouldn't care at all.

But by now, I do. I love you; that's the curse I am burdened with, and its the reason I hate you ever so deeply more.

The woman I love so much made the horrendous mistake of accepting and dealing with you.

And these are mine;

Having the same blood and DNA rushing inside me, a mistake;

Having to deal with your manipulative skills in filling my brain with your revolting mannerisms, a mistake;

Having to act like nothing is wrong but deep inside I've had countless sharp edges slightly touch my skin but would laugh in joy as I remember that I am already being punished by you, a mistake;

Having to act as if I want you near me, but only because I have to; a mistake.

Having to actually have the need to be around you; a mistake.

Having to be the reason that the woman I love is sacrificing her own dignity; the most painful mistake I have ever made.

She would've been happy if only I would've told her that life with no you is the dream and an essential for our sanity.

But no. 

Innocent me told her to fight, to repair, to love; and she did.

It was my mistake.

But I do not blame us for the destruction you've started, no.

I am not going to victim blame ourselves; I truly know that we are above everything you do and are.

Because although there are multiple mistakes in this;

You didn't make a mistake; the mistake is you.

You destroyed  my childhood.

You destroyed my innocence.

You destroyed my sanity.

And you destroyed this group I wouldn't call family.

You didn't make a mistake; the mistake is you; thus you cannot be forgiven.

I hate you; and I would live my life without looking at myself in disappointment if I just didn't care at all.

I will only act as a character around you; I will not make the mistake of being genuine with you.

You are to blame;

You are disgusting.

《ArwenSwritt