My Journal And Problems

Overthinker and Ignored.

Actually everyone, literally everyone around me thinks I am a freak.....I am a screw up, since I was a kid and the reason behind it is my Overthinking.
When I was a kid, I was never good at socialising, I was lost in my own figments of imagination. I never used to get along with the other children of my age so well. I was always left out. I never realized it because I was lost in myself.....I am my hero in my own mind. This all started since I was 3 or 4. Whenever I watched any tv show, cartoon show or movie ,I always imagined myself in the center of all and the lead roles being my allies.
Now you will say that it's common for every kid .......Soooooo, you're partially wrong because I always thought of a different story,like a Fanfiction,we included me in the storyline. So where is the problem??. The problem was that since childhood, I used to imagine everything around me. I always kept on mumbling dialogues to myself, when I think of an action scene,I jumped and punched in air,I laughed at funny scenes, I did it till 5 or 6 years . (I am damn sure I will lose my friends if they ever read it)

Since childhood I have this habit of randomly starting pacing around the room,laughing ,smiling and talking with myself, I have inner monologues ..... yeah tis true. I do it till now, not in front of everyone,like when I am alone in the room or when my family members are there in my house but they are busy in their work, but many times....they all have caught me like that. Standing up randomly without any reason,smiling on my own. I mean,I can't conceal that someone is definitely going on my mind. They are convinced that I am a gone case. My younger sister mocks me and my mother and father keep on scolding me. Not their bad. They scold me for my good,but suddenly I have started becoming even more selfish than before. I just get annoyed and I start shouting If anyone's points out my mistake and I don't want to help anyone with anything. Only thing I wish is to stay glued to this screen. I hate this addiction but I can't help it. I have started developing Myopia and it's increasing. I am scared to admit it.

I just look like a psychotic person till now, I look like I am abnormal. I am mannerless,clumsy awkward and a freak. I don't know how to talk to people in person....I start behaving awkward,like some drunkard who is trying to conceal it,like I don't stand straight,I slightly keep on swaying left to right,I am not attentive , I am not alert.I keep on dropping things,I forget what task was given to me all of a sudden. I don't know what to say to other people. Everyone laughs at me.....if not in front ,then at my back. I really get very nervous when I have to say something to any other person...I just look very confused and under confident, even if when I have to buy anything, I just get so so so nervous that I forget what to say,get confused between items or say anything in a very fast speed. At times,I clumsily drop my money,or end up buying wrong things as well and then I have to replace it. I means all this awkwardness sums me up and it sucks. At times I think I need a therapist but then I realise that I rather deserve those shock treatments. I wish only If I could post voice recording on Wattpad, because I am actually crying right now,while fighting it.

Literally I just think ,why am I hAlf mad. Okay, 60% of me is lunatic and 40% is right but this is a main problem. I wish I was fully mad so that I never realized my faults and I would never get depressed. I would have been burden then but I am burden even now, I mean what have I done for anyone....I am just a jerk. I am useless. I can't control my any emotions.

The only thing that makes me feel good is if I am able to give advice to  someone. I mean I can't help myself,then at least I can help others. People say that I am good at motivating others tho.

But...I am afraid that when I will grow up and start working at some place, my colleagues will blame me before my officials if anything went wrong and everyone will even believe it because I am like this. Everyone will mock me, judge me, They will make fun of me and I won't be able to do anything about it.

On 14 June 2020, An Phenomenal Indian Actor named Sushant Singh Rajput committed a suicide.

He was just 34.He was depressed since 6 months, he was facing criticism, he was being ignored and so on, he just went through a lot, I am going into the details but something we can't even imagine. All of his fans are in shock cause his last film 'Chhichhore' was a comedy yet Motivational movie and it's motive was not to suicide in Any Situation. We have to be strong and we have to fight.

In that movie, Sushant is the protagonist (Anni) and his son attempts a suicide, he survives but gets admitted in the hospital. To encourage him, Sushant gathers his college life friends and they all narrate their story of how they removed that Tag of "Losers" They used to have.

So, in that movie, Sushant says "Success ke baad ke plans toh sabke paas hote hai but agar galti se hum fail ho jaaye, toh failure se kaise deal karna hai, Iss baare mein koi baat hi nahi karna chahta".
(Translation: Everyone has their plans after success, but incase they fail..... Then how to deal with that failure ....... No one wants to talk about it)

I am also thinking of the same thing. If I fail, what will I do. I mean ,if I continue to be like this, I will definitely fail. My father said that I am a Failure in Practical Life.

I am afraid that will become a burden for everyone,I won't be able to do anything in life. Right now I am dependent on my parents, But When will have to be on my own, I won't be able to anything. I don't have common sense,how things work in Practical life. I am just lost in my imaginations,my dreams that I keep on knitting like I will be this....I will have this......I will do this. But all this is limited to my imaginations only.

In real life, I just limited to my imaginary world...I can't even do a Single damn thing properly. I just can't give examples because I am way too embarrassed. No one,literally no one likes me.....My parents have given up on me. Everyone does the same thing.

Sometimes I think that I also have accepted the fact that I can never change. I don't have any inspired to do hard work. I am lazy,coward,selfish,pessimistic and I am not determined at all. It's way too late,nothing can happen now and I will have to accept my Ill Fate. I am just mentally tired,take me away from here...I don't want to live here. Just take me far far away,Where no one can ever bother me. Me and a conpanion who will never judge me.

I am just scared...I am scared...I don't want time to slip away...I don't want to grow up...I just want the time to stop...I will not be able to survive on my own....people will use me...  I am mad...I deserve to be in a mental asylum

*Demonic screeches*

Save me ....Save me from my madness, My insanity.....Save me please 🙏🙏🙏