Treebros

Chapter Five: Connor's Shitty Day

(Lmao sorry for the wait.)

It didn't start off shitty.

Connor woke up to his alarm, happy that he managed to squeeze in more than eight hours of sleep last night. He didn't want to get up yet, nor did he want to fall back asleep. So he slammed the off button on his phone and closed his eyes.

And then Zoe bathed into his room, yelling.

"Get up, shithead!" Connor peeked open one eye, all his calmness from just a second ago dissolving. "You're supposed to drive me to school."

"Mhm." Connor grunted and rolled over, eyes closed for a quick moment before he pushed himself up. He tried to ignore the stinging irritation banging in his head. He had gone so far without blowing up lately, and he sure as hell wasn't going to do so anytime soon. Zoe pointed a hair brushed at him threateningly, as if it was supposed to make him get up faster. He shooed her out of his room and started to get ready. 

The little ball of irritation grew when his mother walked into the kitchen as he was eating an apple, explaining to him that his grades were not acceptable, and that he should try harder. His father added that Zoe's grades were much better than his. He lost his appetite after that. 

Did they really not think he was trying his absolute hardest? Sure, he slips up a few times, but doesn't everyone? They were human. It was not his fault he didn't understand a single word coming out of his teachers' mouths. He had an average GPA, even if it was leaning dangerously towards below that. 

The drive was filled with silence. Connor didn't know why that made him angry. Maybe it was because he was so sick of this tension between him and his younger sister? It was just another reminder of how badly he had fucked up their relationship. His hands were clutching the steering wheel so hard he was surprised he hadn't snapped that stupid thing in half. His jaw was tight and face fixated in a glare. 

When he reached the school, that burning anger remained. He couldn't help but ignore Evan when he waved at him. He was worried he might say the wrong thing, and even the thought of Evan turning his back on him hurt too much. He was all he had left. Too precious to give up. 

He tried to burn away the memory of Evan's dejected and shocked face when he passed him. 

There was a sudden pop quiz. Then someone decided to toss him a note saying he should kill himself. His teacher called him out and scolded him for 'passing notes in class' and threw the note away when he caught him reading it. The class laughed. The kid sitting next to whoever sent him that note gave him another. No one cares about you. You're a disappointment. You don't deserve to live. Everyone hates you.

The written words spun around his head for the next few classes, causes him zone out and be called out, yet again, by a teacher. 

He couldn't explain the guilt and regret he felt when he shouted at Evan. 

He excused himself for a quick smoke. He couldn't handle his swirling thoughts, and his attempt at quitting took its toll. He was itching for a cigarette, and he was too weak to resist it. He guessed being interrupted by that was what pushed him over the edge. 

He wanted to be better. Evan Hansen gave him a reason to be better. Before, he believed there was no reason to try because his parents would be relieved when he died, ad he was only a thorn in their side. Now, whenever he thinks about Evan, whether it be something he said, or just the way he shyly glanced at Connor during classes, he was reminded of how pure Evan was. He would give anything, anything, to make sure nothing hurts him. 

Connor wanted to be like Evan. He wanted to be worthy of love. Of respect. Of tolerance. He knew it wasn't something he could change overnight, or with a snap of finger. It took time, trial and error, relapses. It took patience, determination, and motivation. Connor had motivation, and it was Evan.

The realization of how much Evan had impacted him was like a hard smack in the face. What the fuck had he done? Why couldn't he just keep his damn mouth shut? He promised-he fucking promised himself-he would keep Evan out of harms way. His own plan came and bit him in the ass when he became the harm to inflict itself on Evan Hansen. 

It was all lies. Everything he said was a lie. How could it be true? Evan was an angel. An angel the gods above decided to shove under the weight of anxiety. He didn't know everything about Evan, sure, but he'd be damned if someone said Evan didn't deserve the world. 

The look on his face-god the look on his face. It made Evan's previous expression look joyful. His eyes seemed to crack, but before Connor could see them fall apart, Evan was long gone.