𝐂𝐔𝐑𝐋𝐘 𝐇𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐄𝐃 𝐊𝐈𝐃𝐒. matthew gray gubler

↳ ix. sickening reality

ix. sickening reality
—LOLA NOVAK

oct. 3
[🪐]

MATTHEW AND I TALKED
until 2 am in the morning. We discussed several things—relationships, family, talents, religion...at this point, I felt like we'd been friends for years.

I lied when I told him I made AJ and Shemar go through all of this. I didn't even know whether or not Shemar had a dick or not, to be honest.

I just was curious. And truthfully, the sex talk made me a little eager for him, even though I knew that would never even happen.

And the whole drug thing to me was just...shocking. It made me realize that as much as I thought Matthew was the perfect boy, he wasn't. He went through shit was well, he was just better at hiding it. I had no idea how someone could hide so much pain and stay as kind and humble as him.

And to be honest, I do mingle with drugs once in a while when things are hard. I didn't want to tell Matthew because I was afraid he'd find me gross or something...but I didn't know how else to make myself feel better sometimes. Some days I felt so shitty about myself, I'd do anything to feel good, just for a while.

It was one of my biggest secrets, and I wasn't about to let Matthew know what kind of person I really was. I valued how he saw me—because well...I kind of did like him, even if I knew we could never be more than friends.

But it was late at night, and I was feeling exhausted. I really didn't feel like ending the call.

"Lola, are you tired?" Matthew asked me, as if reading my mind.

"Yeah, a little. Are you?"

"Mhm." He said, and then it went quiet again.

I laughed, "neither of us want to end this call, I see."

"I know—I-I just really enjoy this." Matthew said softly, "I haven't had one of these deep conversations in a long time. It feels good to let everything out."

I smiled softly, feeling my heart go warm. "Me too. I'm glad you told me all of those things."

"I trust you, Lola." Matthew muttered.

I pursed my lips together, "I trust you too."

It was a lie. I couldn't trust anyone.

He sighed softly, "I think you're amazing." Matthew muttered, and I blushed. Okay, we were going into this realm now.

"Yeah?"

"You're so real. And kind, and just...really understanding. I feel like I can be myself around you." Matthew explained.

"I used to make you nervous." I chuckled.

"I know. And you still do." He said, and I had a small feeling about what that meant but didn't address it.

"I feel comfortable with you as well. It kinda feels like we've been besties forever." I laughed.

"It does." Matthew said.

"I want to hug you right now." I admitted, smiling.