For Ever and More

seven

Everly

Lilah has been with us for a few weeks and she's settled into a routine quite nicely, minus the few tantrums, but she's four, so we can't expect everyday to be smooth. We have already gotten to be really close and she loves when I call her my best friend.

Even though she has her own room completely set up now, she still chooses to sleep with me on the weekends, when moms let her.

"Evie, wake up! We eat pancakes." I heard Lilah's small voice.

I opened my eyes and smiled at her.

I've always wanted a little sister and she is more than I could've ever hoped for.

"Okay, okay, let's go." I sat up, moving to the edge of my bed, before extending my hand to her.

She reached for me, so I helped her off of the bed. She ran ahead of me, as we headed to the kitchen where my moms were making Lilah's favorite Sunday, pre-church breakfast, which was pancakes, eggs, fruit. She always asks my moms if they are making her breakfast before they tuck her into my bed Saturday nights, because absolutely loves pancakes.

Talking about her mom became a rare occasion, so much so that she hadn't come up at all today. She'll usually say something about her in the morning, but she hasn't yet.

After breakfast, I went to get myself dressed, while my mom took Lilah to change. Is it so bad that I wish that this could be our routine for the rest of my life? I don't want to lose Lilah. Moms told me not to get too attached, but it's kind of hard when she's the kid we're fostering. She's brilliant, crazy, sweet, and overall just a beautiful child.

Once everyone was ready, we were on our way to the church. Lilah was dropped off to her designated childcare room, then I sat with mom until the service started.

"So, when her mom gets out of rehab, she just gets to have Lilah back?" I spoke quietly, being sure to protect Lilah's business.

"That's the plan." She placed her hand over mine gently.

"What if I don't want her to take her back?" I looked into her eyes. Those eyes are home. Lilah deserves to know the love that comes with seeing those eyes everyday. She deserves the life I've lived and so much more.

"It doesn't work like that, my love. If her mommy wants her back, she gets her back. I know if I was in that position, I'd want you back in a heartbeat." She rubbed my arm softly.

"But you never put yourself in that position." I argued.

"Hey, because God gave me you at my lowest point and I wasn't sick like her." She defended Lilah's mom.

"She doesn't deserve Lilah." I shook my head.

"And I'm sure I didn't deserve you at times, but baby, it's her mommy. Every mommy is the best mommy in the eyes of her little girl." She smiled softly at me.

"But— you are the best. And Lilah deserves the best." I felt tears fill my eyes.

"Yes, she does." Mom smiled at me as she wiped my cheeks free from the tears that fell. "How did I get so lucky to have you love me so fiercely every single day?"

I leaned into her body, laying my arms in her lap. She held my head and placed a strong kiss to my hair.

"God has a plan for you, for me, and definitely for Lilah, okay? Trust Him to have a hand over Lilah, alright?" She whispered.

I nodded into her chest.

God, please keep her safe. Keep her safe wherever you take her, but if you choose to let her stay with us, make it easy for her. I don't want her to ever feel pain. I love her, God. I want her to be my sister forever.

Church was beautiful, mama was beautiful, and the feeling in the room was beautiful. Church always had a way to heal me. It felt like a conversation with God, like He's my friend. I felt that He told me that Lilah will be okay. She's going to be okay.

After we picked Lilah up from childcare, we went headed back to the house to take our naps. Lilah with me, in my bed, then moms on the couch. It wasn't a long nap for me today, but I stayed in bed with her as she slept. I was too worried that she would be scared to wake up alone if I left the room.

Her little hand rested on my arm. She always had to touch me in some way, whether it be her foot on my leg when she's turned around or her hands on my back, arms, neck, wherever. These moments make me melt even more for her. How is one tiny human so wonderful? Even in her worst moments, I am completely in love with her.

Once she woke up, we went right back to playing and goofing around. She is my favorite person right now. From dolls to dress up, we played until it was well past a decent lunchtime.

Via ended up making us both turkey sandwiches with cut up carrots and cucumbers. I swear I've eaten better now that moms are making food for Lilah than I did in years. I'm a snacker, but since she's been here, I've eaten full balanced meals everyday for every meal. Moms even pack my lunch for me to take to school.

"Mama's san-wich is best." Lilah smiled up at me with a mouthful of sandwich.

"It is the best." I slightly laughed at her. She called her mama again. I think she picked it up from me calling them mom and mama, but it is always heartwarming to hear her say it casually.

"My mommy don't make me san-wich, but mama do's and I love it." She babbled.

"Well, good. Mama will make you a sandwich whenever you ask." I told her, wanting to instill the promise that my moms were there for her and whatever she wants.

"Even tomorrow?" She asked.

"Tomorrow and the next and the next and three years from now." I smiled at her.

She giggled, although I'm not sure she understood me. I loved that sound. She deserves to feel like that everyday of her life. She has completely bloomed since she's been here.

"Ev, you can take a break and shower or something." Mom came into the room.

"I'm okay." I nodded.

"Bathroom break, then. Go ahead." She was insistent.

I nodded and promised Lilah that I'd be back soon, then grabbed the empty plates and took them to the kitchen. Via stood as if she were waiting for me.

"Hey, baby." She smiled.

"Hey." I answered.

"I just want to check in with you. Mom told me what you said earlier and I just want to see how you're feeling." She spoke as she helped me clean the plates.

"I'm okay, still just sucks that we don't know what's gonna happen to her." I shrugged.

"I know it is. I want her to be able to set a home here, but we still just don't know." She said.

I nodded sadly.

"We're going to make sure she's okay, okay? Let us worry about her safety and you just keep doing what you did today. She loves you, Ev— and you, you get to keep being her best friend." Via smirked at me. "You know, it wasn't too long ago that you were calling me your best friend."

"I did?" I smiled.

"When you were six, you did." She confirmed.

I shook my head, smiling still.

"I just don't want her to leave yet." I said sadly.

"Me neither." She sighed.

I went back to the room and joined my mom and Lilah in their playing. We played for a while longer, then went out to have a quick movie before dinner. After dinner, mom took Lilah a bath and tucked her into her own bed for the night. I missed her when she wasn't with me. I'm so attached.

Moms both told me goodnight, before heading to bed themselves.

This, this is the life I could get used to. A life with Lilah in it. I'll be heartbroken if we ever lost her.

A video played in the background, on my tv, as I willed myself to sleep.

I just want everything to be okay in the end, for everyone, but especially for Lilah.