I sometimes feel like an old soul, drowning in my pain. And no one seems to get it. I tried talking to people, but it is not enough. The doubts, the insecurities they never wash away. I just tend to lose myself to the current and the pain is the only thing that keeps me tethered. I read pure oxygen is toxic, at this point that is what my pain is. Raw, consuming and will eat me alive first chance it gets. I don't know how to deal with it but I know eventually I am going to lash it out on someone.
You, you were and are the best thing that as far as I can remember happened. You were the one who believed in me, trusted in me, loved me. And how did I repay you? I shattered your trust and now the shards of whatever is left are nothing but a painful reminder.
I do not know how some one can bear so much pain, yet stay. Yet carry an ounce of love, but you are you aren't you? And I don't deserve you. I know that. I was never high on selflessness was I?
I let my issues, my fear of being vulnerable ruin us, you. I strangled your love and watched it lifelessly stare back at me with glassy empty eyes.
And now when I am ready, when I love you more than anyone could. You can't love me the same way. The spirit of your love, so pure it is eternal. It still lives on and haunts me. Yes you can't leave, yes you can't unlove me, but the fact that it will never be the same is eating me alive. You will never love me or trust anyone else the same and I will be left with just a painful reminder of what was and could have been.
~H
