Captivated (The Maze Runner - Newt)

Forty two - Newt

See the flames inside my eyes,

they burn so bright I want to feel your love.

Easy, baby, maybe I'm a liar

but for tonight I want to fall in love.

So put your faith in my stomach.

  - Ed sheeran, I'm a mess

***

FINAL CHAPTER - NEWT'SPOV

Numbness captivates my whole body.

I stand, stock still, shoulder to shoulder with Minho and Thomas. I want to run, get away from here – but I know that Minho would never let me leave. He wants me to see this. He wants me to watch her die.

Bitter tears roll out from the corners of my eyes, blurring my vision. Why had I let her break my like this? Why had I allowed myself to love her again? Things would have been so much easier if I had succeeded in killing myself the first time. I never would have met her.

I wonder how love and hate could be so equally lethal. Loving her had brought me pain, and hating her has made me numb.

I despise myself for it...but I want her gone. More than anything. She ruined everything we had. Any form of sanctuary we had managed to form in this nightmare of a place, had been burned down again by her.

Bloody hell, why can't I even say her name any more?!

Lily.

I repeat it over and over in my head, as my stomach lurches and twists. I had trusted that name.

"Newt...shucking hell..." Thomas mumbles, placing a trembling hand on my arm. "...I'm so sorry..."

"Shut it, Tommy. Just shut it or I'll do something I'll regret." I hiss through my tears, clenching my fists at my side and digging my nails into my palm – desperate to feel something. Anything.

Thomas' gaze drops back to the ground, tears forming in his eyes. Not my kind of tears, though. His are tears of sorrow. Mine are tears of numbness.

Minho fidgets restlessly beside me, biting down hard on his lip as he breathes heavily. He is psychotic with rage. I can feel the heat emanating from his body, smell the hatred on his breath. At least he's feeling something.

I begin to wonder if I am human anymore. It's as if my senses have been completely cut off.

"I hate her. I hate her. I hate her." I mumble to myself, digging my nails so deep into my palms that I was sure they must be bleeding. "God, I hate her!"

My own words hit me like a punch in the gut.

Images of Lily grip my mind uncontrollably; innocent; selfless; beautiful; captivating.

"I hate her. I hate her."

"Yeah, you and me both." Minho growled menacingly.

I close my eyes – but still, I can feel her gentle touch on my skin; see her beautiful pale blue eyes coupled with her cinnamon freckles; hear her soft voice whispering in my ear; feel her lips on mine;

"Thomas!" I cry out pleadingly to my friend, fresh tears spilling rapidly from my eyes, "Thomas, why can't I just hate her?! I want to hate her! I want her dead!"

"Newt, stop-" Thomas sobs, grabbing me and trying to stop me from lashing out, but I push him away forcefully, my body racked with sobs and controlled by emotions that I am unable to feel. I need to get away from him and Minho. They are making it worse.