glitch | ryden soulmate au ✓

9

Do you ever wonder if you truly matter?

My science teacher once told me that everything is made out of matter, from technology to running water. They're all made out of matter and it includes us humans as well. Therefore, it means that we matter.

(science jokes, haha.)

But there are some things that aren't actually made out of matter, like our thoughts. Our thoughts are in our heads, we can't visibly see them but we can hear them. I don't know how it works but they're just words, they circle and run in our minds. They tell us what to do and what to think.

My head tells me that I don't matter, but it contradicts the whole 'I matter because I'm made out of matter' idea.

A negative and a positive equal a negative, right?

Therefore, I don't matter.

My head cranes towards where the curtains are. I lie still in bed, wondering if the curtains were moving on its own or if it was just the air conditioning acting up.

I don't want to check.

I turn around and lay on my side, I stare at the darkness for too long that I begin to see weird shadow-like figures in the corner of my eyes.

That scares me.

I pull the blanket over my head.

Life would be so much easier if I didn't overthink the simplest things. Falling asleep would be easier, I wouldn't doubt my own answers on tests and maybe I would be 100x happier than I am today.

I mean, I am happy.

Just not happy in the way happy is defined in a dictionary. 

Sometimes, I hate sleeping. I know that sleeping in your bed is the best feeling in the world, especially when it's raining, it just makes you want to do nothing and lie in bed all day.

The actual problem is falling asleep, I have so many thoughts that I just want to cut them off. Make them shut up for at once but that's literally impossible, I'm practically drowning in my thoughts every day. My thoughts are the sea and I can't breathe, I can only sink further and further until I finally hit rock bottom. There's no escape and I cam only get used to the feeling of being dull.

I just want to escape from me, myself and I.

My head perks up at the sound of vibrations coming from my phone.

Did I forget to put it on silent?

I throw the covers off, I shift up in my bed, my back against part of my pillows as I check my phone.

I was met with messages from Brendon.

b.u: ryan

b.u: can we call

b.u: i think i fucked up real bad

I take a few minutes for my eyes to adjust to the screen. Even though my brightness was set at the lowest level, it was still too bright for me.

r.r: yeah sure
seen

I stare at my phone, watching as Brendon's little icon pop up on the screen. I let out a sigh, forcing myself to just forget about how this guy is my Soulmate.

Why would he want to call me now? We had this fight, this falling out and he has the audacity to call me without apologizing first? He accused me of being jealous of him and Sarah, even though that was partially true, that's still no excuse.

I mean, yeah, we're best friends but that doesn't mean I immediately forgive him for being an asshole. I'm human, I deserve an apology.

I slide my finger across the screen, accepting the call.