Before We Turn to Stone

Season 16, Episode 16: Leave a Light On

"And I know you're down and out now, but I need you to be brave.
Hiding from the truth ain't gonna make this all okay.
I see your pain,
If you don't feel our grace
And you've lost your way,
I will leave the light on."

* * *

Today is their last day in Seattle. In a few hours, they'll head for the airport and fly home to Kansas. She dropped the twins at Alex's earlier that morning so they could spend a few hours with their dad. She's already gathered up all the detritus that comes from traveling with kids, restocked their snacks, and checked in for their flight. Theoretically she should be completing her exit paperwork for the patients she's seen at Grey Sloan – but for the past twenty minutes, she's been staring out the window without seeing.

She's in love with Alex. She loves him more and better than she ever did before. She loves his wild temper and the way he's learned to harness it. She loves his passion for his work and the surgeon he has become. She loves the way he touches their children, the love that pours from his face when he looks at them. She loves his clever hands and his broad shoulders and the jut of his jaw and the blaze of his eyes. She loves the man he was and the man he is and the man he will grow to be.

And if she loves him, if this feeling is so strong now, so many years later... does that mean she never stopped loving him? She'd convinced herself that she had pushed him out of her heart long ago: convinced herself that the gulf between them was too much to breach, that the damage was too great to overcome. She'd moved on, or so she'd thought. Her work, her children, her life had become all she'd ever need.

Yet she knows her heart. She knows how her body feels. She knows that she can't stop thinking of him, can't tamp down the joy she feels when she sees him.

She's in love with Alex – Alex, who is in love with his wife.

What the hell am I going to do?

A brisk knock jolts Izzie out of her reverie.

She clears her throat. "Come in," she calls.

Miranda Bailey opens the door and sticks her head into the office. "Dr. Stevens, do you have a moment?"

Izzie smiles and beckons her inside. "For you, many moments."

"Just wanted to make sure you had everything wrapped up before we said goodbye," Bailey said, walking in.

Izzie opens her mouth to reply; she's prepared a standard-grade, professional response of appreciation to Bailey for granting her use of the excellent facilities at Grey Sloan. She wishes she'd gotten more time to spend with Bailey, more chances to show her what she's done with the grace and knowledge that Bailey gave her when she was her teacher.

Instead she buries her face in her hands and starts to cry.

"Izzie Stevens," Bailey says, her voice full of tenderness, which only makes Izzie cry harder.

It takes her a minute to get herself under control. By the time she does, Bailey has shut the door behind her, grabbed a box of tissues, and is perched on the edge of the desk, looking at Izzie expectantly. "I'm sorry," Izzie says as she grabs a fistful of Kleenex. "I'm fine."

"Yes, fine is exactly the word that comes to mind," Bailey says, straight-faced, and Izzie laughs weakly. Then Bailey waits patiently for Izzie to mop up her face. "Talk to me," she says when Izzie stops sniffling.

Izzie considers unburdening her whole heart to Bailey before she catches herself. Bailey is not only the chief of surgery, but she's also the glue that holds her staff together. Izzie knows, even after not having been there for years, that if you work for Bailey, Bailey is in your corner. And Izzie doesn't work for Bailey anymore; Jo Karev does.