Before We Turn to Stone

Season 16, Episode 13: Anthem

"Ring the bells that still can ring

Forget your perfect offering.

There is a crack in everything

That's how the light gets in."

* * *

Eli wakes up fourteen hours after his surgery, and two hours after that he and his sister are the stars of the pediatric ICU. Alex has never seen so many cups of pudding amass in so short a time; every nurse on the floor seems to deliver one that day. By ten AM both five-year-olds' faces are masked in chocolate.

"They're bad enough apart," Izzie tells Alex with a laugh. She hasn't stopped smiling since their son woke up. "But when they're together, no one can resist them."

"I can see that," he says.

He really can: they are charming as can be. Alexis talks as fast as her mother, and gestures with her hands in a way he finds comical on a kindergartener. Eli is quieter than she is and his eyes are always a-twinkle, even when he complains that his head hurts. He's got a mild fever still, and when they report out to Shepherd, she recommends he stay under observation for a day or two.

In spite of his worry about Eli, Alex gets a little thrill in his chest when he hears this.

He can't stop watching them. The two of them clearly adore their mother, and Izzie lights up like an aurora when they speak. They are a happy unit of three, complemented by Anh, who is wrapped around the kids' little fingers like a doting grandmother.

Alex has just as much work as he ever does, but he finds himself drifting down to the pediatric ICU several times during the morning: he just can't keep himself away from them. Watching them with Izzie, knowing that they're his, feels like wandering through a waking dream. All he wants to do is drink up their every word and gesture, like he's been dying of thirst this whole time without them and never knew it.

He tries to keep himself at arm's length at first. He doesn't really know how the kids will react to this stranger hanging around, especially since Alexis still only knows him as the doctor from the scary first day at the hospital. Izzie manages to extract herself from them at some point and comes out to find him where he's reviewing charts at the nurse's station.

"Hey," she greets him, beaming.

"Hey yourself," he says, and for a minute they just smile at each other, a little awkward but too happy to let it get in the way.

"You should—" She falters. Alex closes his chart, cocks his head at her and waits as she works out whatever she wants to say in her head. "Do you want me to tell them who you are?" she finally asks softly.

He hesitates and Izzie's cheeks burn red. "They know they have a father. I mean to say, they know everyone has a father. They know about – about sperm and eggs, even though Eli thinks it's like chicken eggs... So they know about you in theory, but, you know, they're five." He still doesn't speak, and she rushes to add, "I mean... I don't have to. We can just – I just thought you might want—"

"Iz, stop." He glances back into Eli's room. The twins are snuggled up on the bed, playing some game on an iPad that has them both doubled over in hysterical giggles. "I want them to know who I am. Of course I do. I don't want to be a stranger to them anymore."

Her face is soft. "I don't want you to be a stranger either."

"But... I really need to talk to my wife, first."

They haven't really talked about Jo much at all. When they first connected on the phone, Alex told Izzie that he was married and that his wife was a general surgery fellow at Grey Sloan, but other than that, they haven't had much of a chance to discuss her. And though Alex knows down to his bones that he wants nothing more than for Eli and Alexis to be in his life, he also knows that there is no way he can make that kind of decision with Jo in the dark.