''Withdrawal can be a terrible thing when it keeps us awake at night, and watching others forget us sooner than we'd want to be forgotten is no better. We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of 30 and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to feel nothing so as not to feel anything—what a waste.''
It's a quote that's been stuck in my head for past few days. It's been very rough. I don't remember being so tired; never knew that quote was describing me, maybe I did, but couldn't understand the real meaning. I've said goodbye so many times, to so many people, but still hoping I'd see them one day. I've said how I let them go and said it doesn't hurt anymore when I was in fact just cutting away from my feelings. Finally, I'm ready to say goodbye and I'm ready to let go. How do I know that? Because finally, it hurts.
I remember everything, even though I thought there were no memories. I keep replaying them, each time remembering something new. It's those happy ones that hurt the most because those are harder to let go. Maybe now when I remember, they'll finally start to fade away as life passes. Memories keep our loved ones alive, but is life really worth living when you're the only who's still here and they're not? Until now, I didn't know I couldn't accept the fact that people I love are gone. Some of them are alive, but they don't exist. They only exist in my memories now - and I couldn't let go. It weren't memories only, but hope. Hope I'll see them again, even if it's just for a second. I thought my only option was to run away, but it's time for me to heal and leave them behind. I don't want to run. I want to leave and go search for happiness, not a place where I'll hide and keep living cut away from feelings, still living in an illusion. There's no need for me to say goodbye or how I let go, I'll just know it happened.
I'm confused, tired and feel like my heart is breaking. I don't know why there's so much hatred pointed towards me. Are my feelings and mind really something fun to play with? Today I almost cried because I've met a girl and wasn't sure if I was talking to a real person. I was afraid she was created to become my friend and get close to me just because they thought it would be fun to do it. I didn't know what to say to her or how to act because I was so afraid I'll end up hurt again. It makes me so tired. They took away everything from me, last thing they could take was the feeling of safety - and they've succeeded. I'm very aware of myself and know how emotional I am, but I've never felt so small and unprotected. Makes me want to hide, disappear. There would be no one to hurt me anymore and I could become strong again. I was so happy when I saw her picture and realized she's real, how she really wants to be my friend. My heart was full of joy and I was feeling like a child. But, that still doesn't make my fear go away. I'm so scared that I'll put even higher walls around me, higher than ever before. I see it slowly happening, but I don't want.. I want to trust people and I was doing so good at it, but.. I guess my only option is leave and disappear. What a relief would that be.
