The Girls of Virtue

[09-2] If I'm to Experience the Pain of Living

Negativity's skinny, scarred arms cross in front of her midsection. Her narrow body looks painfully small amidst the fog and dead trees. Everything around them is dead and dull, and Beginning suddenly feels very, very alone. She wonders if Negativity does too. She wonders if she always has.

Everyone here really is on their own.

"Maybe," Beginning continues carefully. "In some ways, I do think that this place is terrible. But that doesn't mean we have to be. You can choose to become someone you're happy with. Anyone can. I don't regret being kind. I'm happy with myself now. I'm being the kind of person that I want to be. I know that I'm doing my best to be someone I can be proud of."

"Ugh, you're just disgusting," Negativity says after a beat. "I can't believe you. Spewing all this crap about being happy. Yuck. You act like you're serious. I actually want to hit you for that."

It makes Beginning's chest hurt. This person really has no comprehension of what wanting to be kind is.

All anyone here does is think of themselves. It's sort of pitiful when she thinks about it. Beginning remembers being new and scared very clearly-- she remembers what it was like to hate. Even more clearly, she remembers deciding to be different. There's something that makes her different. Beginning thinks of her brown eyes and picking faces out of the fog. Beginning tries to imagine just what it is that fills her heart.

For a moment, they both go quiet. Negativity pointedly looks away. Beginning keeps her gaze focused clearly ahead, staring into the white. She forces herself to keep breathing, slow and steady, in and out. This conversation is making her nervous. She's realizing all of the wrong things.

The two of them have made their way to the same dead forest that Beginning had come through when she first arrived. Once again, she's wandering the same fog-covered paths. She wonders if that patch of dead, blackened grass is still out there. She wonders if she could return there, if she could somehow push closer to the mystery of just who she is. In a way, Beginning still considers herself to be pushing forward. She doesn't know what she's supposed to do to remember what her name is supposed to be, but living every moment as they come seems as good as anything.

Even full of doubt, she can keep on living.

Negativity still isn't looking at her. She's shivering, though, narrow shoulders trembling. For some reason, Beginning wants to hug her.

"I'm sorry," she says because it seems right. "I shouldn't push so hard. You have a right to your opinions too, even if we disagree." Beginning smiles at Negativity then, allowing herself to relax even a little.

Negativity looks at her incredulously.

"...there's something wrong with you," she says, tone biting and sharp. "Seriously. You're screwed up in the head."

"Maybe," Beginning replies with a laugh, "but like you said, I don't think there's anyone here who isn't. I'm okay the way I am."

"You've changed." Negativity says it way too bluntly. "You've changed and I don't like it. It's gross. You're walking around all the time with a stupid smile and treating everyone all 'nice' like you think it'll do any good. I don't know what kind of persistence you picked up, but I'd rather you hurry up and kill it. Hey, that's the nice thing you could do for me. Just stop it."

Beginning can't help a sigh. This... is really what she expected, but it's still no less frustrating. Reminding herself that she can't give up so easily, Beginning opens her mouth to say something, but then--

Just as they're passing a particularly large tree, its blackened, withered branches stretching up and vanishing into the fog, Beginning sees something that she knows she shouldn't. For just an instant, she swears she can see a person sticking out of the withered wood.