A Round Trip to Love 1: LONG WAY HOME

Chapter Eighteen

I sat down in a daze, bent over hugging my head.

I remained in that posture for an unknown amount of time, until I felt someone tugging on me.

" Brother."

I was practically defenseless when he locked me in a deep hug.

Yi Chen's arms sheltered my shamefully tear smudged face from any prying eyes: " Let us go home."

I buried my head in his chest. He will never understand the relationship I have with Lu Feng, but he will always........... love me.

In the end I had a school transfer. The boys put on a great display of exaggerated panic whenever they spot me in the washroom or bathroom. Upon my appearance, they would scatter like pigeons in a second. They behaved like they were all terrified to be coveted by me. I laughed coldly in my heart, it does not mean that gays would desire any man. Based on the standard of those people, I would not even spare them an eye. They looked down on me while I do not look too highly upon them either.

If I chose not to leave, it would have been awkward for everybody.

I moved to a school a good distance away. The opportunities for advancement there are lower, but that is no longer a priority. More importantly no one knew me there, so there were no more speculations and finger pointing. The general attitude towards me at home remained distant and cold, besides living expenses, they did not send me any personal letters. Yi Chen was the only one who would write to me secretly and made phone calls to me.

I remained steadfast in my letters to Lu Feng. His postal address was given to me by Yi Chen who admitted to me that Lu Feng met up with him in school and pleaded with him to pass on the address and the news that he would be leaving soon to me. As Yi Chen handed me the thin piece of paper, his face displayed a subtle trace of guilt. That sense of guilt is no doubt amplified when he agreed to steal any letters sent to me by Lu Feng away from my parents' grasp. There were no other reasons he would be willing to commit those treacherous acts besides purely out of love for me and it had perhaps reached the limit of his generosity. There are nothing more I could have ask of him.

I did not receive a single letter back from Lu Feng.

That did nothing to stop my persistence in writing to him, until one day I received a return letter.

That was the most recent letter I sent, indicating that the recipient is no longer residing in the address given.

I hugged that letter and wept inconsolably all night.

I know in my heart, that Lu Feng is never coming back.

The days that carried on without Lu Feng can be described with just a few strokes of the pen. In reality, those years went by in a blur. Cheng Yi Chen returned back to the old Cheng Yi Chen, an exemplary rule-abiding youth.

Easy going and peace loving.

As time elapsed, I know that something was slipping away from my being, but I could not pinpoint exactly what it is.

My relationship with my parents turned for the better after I enrolled myself in a major university far away from home. Perhaps the sudden realization that their eldest would be leaving them soon, compounded with the sight of me lugging a heavy baggage headed for the bus terminal triggered the affection in their heart. My strict parents finally called me to persuade me to return home during the long holidays, and not to hang around with undesirable friends.

Those so called 'undesirable friends' I indeed did not get myself involved with, however the girlfriend that they were waiting for did not appear either. During the holidays, the panic which ensued from a phone call meant for me are usually triggered by a male voice. When it was a girl they would sigh with relief.

I never mentioned Lu Feng again, and never again revealed any hint that I miss him. It was as if the affair that went on for more than a year was simply a misdemeanor that went out of hand.

The tiny silver ring hanging on a thread around my neck, nestled upon my heart was my constant reminder that I have never once forgotten. It has lost its shine due to the constant skin contact and as time passed, it has turned into an ash colour.

I do not want to remember him either, this sort of longing with no future and no ending in sight brings immeasurable pain.

I just, cannot forget.

While I was in my senior year, Yi Chen entered university too. He might not say it out loud, but I knew that he worked hard to be able to join me in this city. Even though he was upset that he did not achieve the grades required to enter my university, he soon cheered up when he could enter one that is situated just a street away from mine.

Yi Chen was much more naive and child-like than me – whoever went through the life-changing experiences that I did would naturally mature quicker than most – and yet he was adamant that I am the one who needed protection and care. I could only guess that the time I knelt down helplessly before him had traumatized him, leaving him an unforgettable impression.

I know deep down inside that he is good to me, I love him too. The love between your own flesh and blood is irreplaceable. However, my sexual orientation will always be a bone of contention between us. It is such that it cannot be mentioned, but also cannot be concealed. This inconvenient truth would occasionally peek its head out to spoil the mood.

Though remaining close with Yi Chen, things could never be the same as before; that was why even though I live alone in a rented apartment, I refused to share the accommodation with him, leaving him with no choice but to stay in an apartment by himself two blocks away. The proximity is comforting, but the distance is there.

Yi Chen resembles me so much day by day, looking at him is like looking into the mirror. The same olive-shaped eyes slightly lifted at the end, the same delicate and smooth skin, the same thin upper and thick lower lips, the same lengthy hair, and even the same thin slender body. Of course, we are still very dissimilar. He looks so beautiful and carefree while I, I was perhaps just like him, but that was many years ago.

I was smoothly promoted to senior year, though not active among my circle of peers, given my excellent grades, I was considered not buried in obscurity. In any case, everything can be said to turn out fairly uneventful. No one had a clue about my unusual sexual preference, mainly because I had neither the desire nor the courage to pursue a boyfriend. To claim that a healthy twenty year old man has no sexual needs, no one would believe, but I entered a state of near abstinence. I suspect that I have an insurmountable barrier in my heart.

That barrier has a name, and that name is Lu Feng.

When I was feeling dispirited, I would head to a familiar pub I frequent for a drink. Sitting in a comfortable corner, I quietly drink hoping to waste away some hours. I then picked myself up when I am just a step away from being completely drunk to drag myself home. By the next day I would have pulled myself together and resume living my life of a sage.

I always thought that only a lady drinking by herself in a pub would be at risk of being subjected to sexual harassment. In my ignorance, society has 'improved' to a state whereby even a single guy would also face such a danger. The moment those manly guys sat down next to me, I had an ominous feeling.