Shit Happens - Lessons learned so you don't have to

MONEY DOESN'T MAKE YOU BETTER

Making bank is awesome, right? "Dolla dolla bills ya'll" as the kids say (Do they still say that? Maybe they don't. I don't know, God, kids are the worst). The sagacious among us will tell you that money is the root of all evil. We're not going to refute that, but we are going to suggest that perhaps the ones who said this are poor sons of bitches who don't know the joy money can bring. Specifically, the joy money brings by affording booze and drugs. Look, we aren't condoning the use of alcohol and/or drugs, but if you've picked up this book and made it this far, you know what you're in for. You are, hopefully, an adult that can understand what we're trying to pass along in the form of advice (oh god, please be an adult!). Look, there's no denying that money lining your pockets does indeed make things better. It's the difference between being able to eat ramen at home or ramen at a restaurant. Which is still ramen. So maybe we should stop eating at ramen places and just make ramen at home. That seems like the more fiscally responsible option, actually.

What? What were we talking about? Money, right! Money is damn fine shit!

Money is a good thing when used properly. And by properly we mean on yourself.

"But A.M., Shakey, of course we spend it on ourselves," you're probably saying to yourselves right now.

And to that we say: You are a lying bitch.

Sure, you spend a fair bit of that money you worked hard to make on yourself, but if you did the math, how much of what you bought ended up benefitting other people? Add up the shots you handed out so generously on payday. Add up the meals you shared that you paid for in their entirety. Add up the pitchers you paid for expecting reciprocity but never received. Add up the cost of each line you didn't do yourself. Add all that up and tell us again how you spend your wages on yourself. No, the truth is you probably spend less than half of your 'going out' money on yourself, and the lion's share on people who have no intention of taking care of you in return.

Which is probably the saddest part, because the reason you spend in excess on others ties into our previous missives on ODTM. You are more likely to spend freely on others because you are looking for some sort of acceptance, and if you have to buy it, you are more than up for the challenge. Because you need validation that you aren't a shitbag human being who isn't deserving of another's company or camaraderie. Because you need confirmation that you aren't as broken and unloved as your brain constantly screams at you. Because you need to believe other people do care about you more than you care for yourself. Because you don't care about yourself. You think so incredibly poorly of yourself that you need affirmation from other people that you are deserving of the basest level of human connectivity. Even people who barely register as human beings, let alone caring individuals. Sure, you'll be shown cursory concern, enough to make the sub-humans justified in stealing your money, your drinks, your drugs. Of course, these are the same piles of excrement who will begrudgingly do you one monetary favour so as to lord over you that they are a better, more generous human being than you, regardless of the countless time you've diffused situations in the past through monetary means because their mouth is far too big for their size and has spewed inconsiderate things in the direction of the wrong person. As peacemaker, you have gone out of your way to create an amicable agreement between both parties, typically through your wallet, even if you understand why someone would want to punch the instigator's fat mouth shut as you, yourself, have felt the urge to punch said fat mouth shut on occasion. Which you would never do because that could lose you a friend, and by god that term is used in the loosest way possible. Like an aging hooker's labia loose, just flapping idly in a light breeze. That's a visual nobody needed we suppose, but if it demonstrates how little you should care about these fucking sycophants, we're more than happy to shock you with disgust (or not! We're not ones to judge your predilections, so long as you understand what we're trying to pass along).

Anyway, money. Money is important. The money you make is important. Not just to you, but to the others around you. To put it pointedly and as we've said before: You're a mark. You're an easy mark because you're in desperate need of that word we use probably too frequently – validation. There are other, healthier ways to find validation that don't involve dropping hundreds of dollars on other adults. We're not one hundred percent sure what these other ways are to be honest, as we're still struggling with determining this, but what we have found is that not spending it on people who only want you for your money is a good start. Put it this way: If they aren't willing to meet up for coffee or dinner outside of the bar you've met in or a small radius that always allows for the opportunity to "pop in" to said bar for a night cap or fifteen, chances are they aren't worth your coin.

You know who is worth your coin? You. You are worth your own coin. You are worth splurging on. You are worth showering with shiny objects and pretty things that make you happy. You know how you shower yourself with shiny, pretty things? Don't spend your money on dickbags. There is already so much dickbaggery in the world. Too much dickbaggery. There's a continent's worth of dickbaggery out there already, and your one job is to not empower said dickbags to be even bigger dickbags. You don't need that dickbaggage. Do everyone a favour and de-dickbag as much as possible. If you won't do it for yourself, think about all the other people who haven't read this manual who continue to propagate dickery.

Only you can prevent further dickbaggery.