Shit Happens - Lessons learned so you don't have to

"DON'T DO DRUGS" IS ONLY A EUPHEMISM

Okay, this is probably the chapter where we'll lose you (to drugs) or win you over (with drugs). Quick sidebar here just to acknowledge that your mileage may vary on this chapter as our perspective comes from two individuals with clinically diagnosed mental health illnesses which may or may not increase our desire to escape from our own minds more frequently due to the chemical imbalances in our brains. So when we say this is a hard chapter for us, it truly is. This one is as much a therapy session, or a call to realization, for ourselves as it is for you, dear reader.

This chapter is a difficult one to write because we ourselves have mixed feelings about the topic. We'll get the obvious out of the way first. You've heard the phrase "don't do drugs" for most of your life as a cautionary tale to avoid going down the slippery slope of illicit substances and in the process losing your family, your friends, your career, your home, your life. Drugs, in the broad generality they are spoken about, are a gateway to losing all semblance of your life and livelihood, costing more than the short amount of pleasure they provide.

But therein lies the problem: they do provide pleasure.

This chapter could just as easily have been called brain vs. brain as it really is a battle between what you know is the wrong thing to do and what is the wrong thing to do that provides a moment's respite from the cacophonous madness of the world. There's the rational part of your brain that knows whatever foreign substance you put in your body is unhealthy and can lead down some dark paths. Then there's the dopamine-craving part of your brain that's taken a taste and really, really enjoys the numbness, or the creativity, or the personability that your particular poison provides; the release from the prison of your own brain and the freedom of self you can't find on your own.

Yes, there is an allure to whatever nostrum whets your appetite, the way it seductively works its way into your brain, caressing your thoughts ever so delicately as it slowly unlocks the shackles you've placed on the more exciting – to you – aspects of your personality. Each hit brings your better – to you – traits to the fore, shedding inhibition after inhibition until you are finally free of your fetters, shiny and bright in your new skin; your new, unbound self. In this form, nothing is impossible, nothing is too big, too oppressive, too daunting. All is attainable and achievable, even something as insane as writing a self-help book disguised as an explicitly seedy exposé of the life of two idiots as they traverse the dark pathways of the bar scene. Okay, maybe self-help is reaching a bit, but we certainly aren't glamourizing over-indulging in drink and drug. I mean, not that much. Not completely. We mean, sure, there's some fun involved, but there's also a lot of unnecessary pain that comes along with it, which we've shown.

Right? We've shown that, right?

Okay, back on point.

So you're flying high, no longer doing an impersonation of someone who is a functioning member of society, but actually, for a little while at least, truly a functioning member of society. High fives all around! Which you are most likely actually doing, not just mentally. You're probably walking around the bar right now, smiling and engaging with both people you know and total strangers. Shots are being poured in your name, some of which you actually aren't paying for. A very small amount that you aren't paying for. Because here we are once again: you as the mark. Because as much as you think you're just having a good time, the other patrons of the bar are well aware of your current state of inebriation and are more than willing to take advantage of your generosity. We've been down this road before in a previous chapter (we think? It's hard to keep straight what we've said about the shittiness of other people), but you've left yourself exposed yet again. Vulnerable and easily taken advantage of. We won't belabour the point, but you get where we're coming from.

What we will say is the temporary elation pales in comparison to the subsequent fallout, and we aren't just speaking about the hangover – which will be severe. No, the fallout this time is something much darker because it strikes at something you are very vulnerable to on a normal basis: self-doubt. See, you have very little recollection of what exactly happened during your drug-fuelled night. The only clues you have are the money left in your wallet and bank account, and the painful ringing that feels like it's radiating from your basal ganglia. Oh, and perhaps the person who's bed you've just woken up in, although that may be too much of a stretch. Certainly, remembering their name is out of the question. As you leave said stranger's apartment, hopefully before waking them up, the blindingly bright light of day exposes you to the string of thoughts that you had hitherto buried: Who was that person you woke up next to? Where exactly are you in the city? How do you get home? And most importantly, what did you do last night?

And we now welcome you to the shame spiral. Not because you immediately remember every last thing you did the previous night. Oh no, this shame spiral is brought to you by the letters complete blackout. The entire night past the fourth hit of whatever drug you were on is completely gone. So here now comes the fear of only knowing what you're capable of based on second-hand information. Because the moments you remember are few and far between, you are left with the memories of those fatuous, unreliable Greek chorus of nonsense at the bar. On now comes the unspecified regret, the self-anger, the self-hatred, the self-doubt, the lack of self-worth. All the unhealthy thoughts that lead you back to the bar, back to the drugs, back down into the pit of vipers who whisper all the lies and half-truths of your previous night in an effort to break you anew. Which they do. Which leads to the perpetuation of this vicious cycle.

So what's the point of this chapter? We don't know, really. Just that, we suppose, everything in moderation. We have no hard advice on how to break this wheel, unfortunately. We find ourselves in this loop more often than not. The only thing that's worked is fighting our urges. Remembering that we should take responsibility and care for ourselves, because clearly the people we hang around with on a regular basis are incapable of doing so. Be better to yourself. Value yourself more than whatever you put in your body. Focus on making yourself better at the expense of the feckless few who have imprinted themselves on you.

Be kind to yourself, because nobody else will.