Powder [phan]

VII

And even if I loved lying in Phil's arms right now, even if I loved him, I wished at that moment that it would have worked. That we didn't have to deal with this situation. I didn't want that.

Phil slowly let go of me as we looked into each other's eyes for a few moments. He wanted to kiss me, right? I think he wanted it, but he didn't, he reached for the glass of water that was on the small side table.

"Have a drink first." That actually sounded like a good idea, whereupon I took the glass and drank it empty. I hadn't realized how dry my throat was.

"Thanks." I said in a scratchy voice before I felt Phil's hand on my forearm. We said nothing for a while, I just felt the warmth emanating from him, rubbing small circles with his thumb into my forearm and something told me that he had been doing this the whole time.

"Do you remember what happened?" He asked, still not looking at me. I in turn couldn't take my eyes off him.

"A little bit. I know I was in the bathroom and what I did there, but everything else is gone. I don't even know how I got into the bathroom." I deliberately lied. I didn't want him to know that I remembered every fucking detail. Otherwise we would talk about it and I didn't want that.

"Why, Dan?" He asked carefully, scared, desperate and it broke my heart, because when he looked up I saw that he had tears in his eyes and at that moment I didn't want to mean so much to him.

Phil's POV

I had to know. In the end, what had driven him so far that he thought that would be the solution. It wasn't an accident.

Dan was smart. The moment he did it, he knew he was overdosing. He wanted to die, I saw that in his eyes.

I remembered our last conversation, what he had said. He had sounded so hopeless, so desperate and I should have known, yes, but I really hadn't thought that far. Never in my life did I have to think for a second that Dan might do something to hurt himself.

I still couldn't believe I misjudged the situation.

I slowly reached for his hand, feeling that it was cold. It was loose in mine.

"I don't know, Phil." he said after ages and I swallowed hard. I could have expected him to not give me an honest answer.

"Dan, I swear you can trust me no matter what it is." I said, placing my other hand on his so I could warm it. I saw him swallow hard, he looked at our hands.

"I know." He nodded weakly and I knew he was serious. "I don't know what's going on."

It was a start, something honest, which showed me that he was approaching me. I nodded, trying to show him that it was an answer that was okay. It was okay. He was still alive and I felt his hand get warmer and it was so okay.

"We can do it." He nodded weakly, not taking his eyes off my hands. "I should really get a doctor."

"Don't go." he said quickly, reaching for my hand. "Please."

"I'll be back immediately, I promise. I'm not leaving you alone, right?"

He looked at me uncertainly for a while, until he slowly let go of my hand and I got up.

I wanted to kiss him, but I didn't.

"I'm sorry, Phil." he said softly, barely audible, but I heard it. I turned to see his sad look, like a puppy that was just being weaned. I immediately let go of the doorknob and sat down again on the bed with him.

His look told me that he just understood what was going on. He had realized it before, I was sure of it, but it just seemed to hit him fully. He looked so sad, so sorry, so desperate.