It had been four months since Edward and I had killed Nahuel and I was having a difficult time getting past it. I had never killed anyone before, not in human form at least. It had felt different when I was part of the pack, and we fought and killed a number of vampires to protect our land and families. To have been in human form, and kill one with my bare hands was taking a mental toll on me. I had recurring nightmares of my own head being ripped off and burned in front of my family.
If dealing with my guilt over Nahuel's death wasn't enough, I had other problems I was struggling with silently. It had been two years since I made my promise to Nessie to be changed. I couldn't believe how quickly the time had passed. I was now entering into the last year of my human life and I hadn't done nearly as much preparing as I thought I would by this time. I had told myself that three years was enough time to adjust to my decision. I thought I'd made peace with it when my father and friends more or less accepted my choice. Then, my children were born, and my perspective on life changed.
Jeremy and Natalie were the two most beautiful, happy, and healthy human babies I'd ever seen. In the four months since they were born they had grown at a normal pace as Carlisle predicted. Their hearts beat normally. They ate formula with no complaints, and when we offered them animal blood neither one would drink it. They slept as much as normal babies.
Carlisle told us after many physical examinations since they were born, that he expects the twins will have normal human life expectancies. They seemed to have some vampiric traits, but show no signs of immortality. They were strong and fast. They could hold their heads up before two months. Jeremy rolled over first, just before he turned four months old. He'd rolled clear across the room in a few seconds, scaring the crap out of me. Their skin would sparkle slightly in the sunlight the way Nessie's did, but it wasn't any more obvious than hers. Natalie got her first cold that winter, and Jeremy has had diaper rashes. For the most part, their bodies are human.
I was relieved to hear my children would have normal lives, but it gave me new reasons to want to stay human too. I had a chance to be the human role model for my kids, as the only member of the immediate family who wasn't a vampire. I thought it would be good for them to see their dad was like them. Maybe I was just nervous that my grace period was almost up. Was I trying to convince myself that I would be backing out of the deal with Nessie for my kids benefit rather than my own? I didn't know. I kept these feelings from Nessie. She wouldn't react well if she knew I was having second thoughts. She just assumed I would go through with my change as planned, and when our children grew up we'd have Carlisle change them too.
I woke up in a panic one night in June. I was sweating and shaking as I recalled a dark figure standing behind me and reaching for my neck. I always woke up right as the dark figure grasped my neck and yanked.
"Jacob? What's wrong?" Nessie asked me groggily.
"I'm okay. It's just… I had that dream again. Go back to sleep" I whispered.
I sat up, unwilling to reclose my eyes just yet. I looked over at the baby monitor to make sure Jeremy and Natalie were alright in their room. Safe and asleep. A perk to having vampires in your immediate family was a surplus of babysitters willing to work all night long. Luckily, none of them were over that night.
"Jake, you're not okay" Ness replied rubbing her eyes. "Come here, lie next to me."
I inched closer to her and let my head fall back against her shoulder. She wrapped both arms around my shoulders and hugged tightly. I had to admit that I immediately felt better and allowed myself to relax a bit and close my eyes. Nessie's left hand started rubbing my arm and slowly grazed across my chest. She pressed gently as she caressed my muscles, and her lips started kissing my neck.
