How to Date a Nerd

Chapter 27 - When Your Song Becomes the OST of Your Life

Next thing I knew, Sarah was already in front of me. There wasn’t any trace of hatred in her face. All I could see were the silent questions in her eyes. I couldn’t take it. I wished she’d scream at me. Tell it all off in my face how horrible person I was. That she hated me. That I was a liar. A coward. Because that I could take more than her silence.

I caught myself about to spin on my heels. About to run away from her. I stopped myself, steeling my insides. Shaking my head, I looked away from her. My mind was all over the place.

“Leon,” Sarah started, her voice soft.

One word from her and I thought how much I’d missed her. I missed her so much it hurt. But even so I couldn’t even bring myself to look her straight in the eyes. It sounds stupid but I felt very small.

“You didn’t answer my calls.” Her tone had a hint of worry.

“I… I’m sorry,” I murmured, still unable to look at her.

Hesitantly, she took one step closer. “Can we… talk?” When I didn’t answer, she swallowed and almost choked when she said, “W-why?” in all the weight the word could put on me.

“Why what?”

I knew exactly what she meant. Why did I lie to her? Why was I such an asshole? I just didn’t know how to answer. From his Camaro, Matt watched us, looking a bit smug. He was winning this time and he knew it.

“What more do you want to know from me Sarah? What more d’you wanna hear that he didn’t already tell you?” I sounded weak. Defeated.

“Then explain to me!” She waited hopefully for the answer that never came. “Please, give me a reason so I can… understand all this. So I can understand you,” she whispered, her voice a bit gravelly.

With all the thoughts whirring in my head, I couldn’t even think of five words that made sense. I wanted so much to explain myself. The problem was how to do so. There seemed to be a million reasons at the moment. None of them was good enough to justify all the mess I made. No matter how much I try to explain, it won’t change anything. It won’t fix everything.

“I… I can’t,” I said, finally meeting her eyes. “I just… can’t.”

“Why not?”

“You won’t get it.”

“Try.”

I shook my head, cursing silently. “I’m sorry,” was all I could say.

Her forehead crumpled, her eyes becoming a little teary as she nodded blankly. “You’re sorry.”

“Yeah,” I nodded back, struggling to sort out my thoughts. “I’m sorry for lying to you about who I really am. For dragging you into this mess. I’m sorry for everything. I’m so sorry that you had the accident. I’m so sorry I even came here and met you in the first place—“

Sarah wiped a tear from her eye before it could fall. What I said, it wasn’t meant to sound that way. If I hadn’t met her, maybe she won’t be so miserable. She could’ve finally lived the normal life she’d always wanted. Maybe she’d be happier. Maybe the accident won’t have happened. But it was too late. I’d hurt her in the worst way possible.

“Sarah, please…”

I tried to hold her hand. Before I could, she backed away and ran back into her Dad’s house, crying. And I was left wondering why I did what I did and why I said what I said. In fact, I kept wondering for hours, for days until the words were just words that had no meaning. I lost count of the nights I stayed up to stare at Sarah’s window. It never opened. The drapes were always down.

It was official. Everybody hated me. And worse, Sarah hated me. I couldn’t blame anyone else. I made them hate me. Whether intentionally or not. I wished I’d known better. Done better. I hated myself more than anyone else.

Totally reasonable why Chuck, Reed and Ricky didn’t drop by during the week. I’d given them false hopes. The promise of stardom went ka-boom when Moira told me straightforward that the world tour was cancelled. The album launch too. Just like that, they let us off.

Sonnet had lost a lot of money trying to pacify the media from weaving false issues about Megan’s death and facing lawsuits against the “unsafeness of its building” which was just plain stupid. The things people do for money these days. Tch.

If someone jumped off the top of Mt. Everest because they were tripping or just downright crazy, would you sue Tibet for the “unsafeness of its mountain”? Duh.

On the other hand, I’d have liked to jump off Mt. Everest right about now.

I’d never been to a therapist. No. Not even after I’d been kidnapped on my mother’s orders. After the troubles were over, I seemed to have always been able to move on. Cope. Forget. Focus on other things. But this one, I didn’t think the troubles would ever end. If they ever, it wasn’t clear to me if moving on would be an option. Because I’d never forget this feeling of loss like a part of me was not gonna be whole again. I was stuck.

Maybe I needed to be in medication. Whenever I looked at myself in the mirror, my image was always warped so I stopped looking altogether. The bad feeling won’t go away.

Then I started thinking more about my life. Did I do well? Could I have done better? Was I that bad of a person? And death. But mostly about death. Won’t it be way easier to just end it all? But then I knew Dad would be so mad if I left him and Nate alone. It just won’t be that much fun in the house anymore without us bickering every morning over coffee. And Nathan would probably laugh in my burial, kicking the dirt over my coffin. And Sarah… I dunno how she’d react.

Would it matter if I wasn’t there to see it all anyway? Maybe I did need help.

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Hi! Yeah, it took a while. Thanks to everyone who keep tabs on this story. Ready your bokmarks and see you on the next update. ~Ciao